Dr. Weakly and Positive Reinforcement

Have you ever noticed something about yourself that truly chaps your hide? Of course, we all have, unless you are a sociopath and have no defects. Maybe its something that you thought you had overcome or perhaps grown out of. Like when someone obviously delivers you a verbal jab and all you do is shrug (passiveness) or you are offered a piece of something remarkably decadent and you really want to taste it but you find yourself saying, “no thank you, I don’t have room for one more bite” (insincerity). What about that juicy story about a friend of a friend that truly bears repeating (gossip) or pretending you are more important and more prosperous than you really are (phony) to compete with someone's possessions or accomplishments (envy)?

Looking your defects dead in the eye is uncomfortable. What have you seen? Well, let me tell you what I found.  It would seem I have a very strong cast of character defects.  One look at the list I had written sent me running to another session with Dr. Weakly. Our transcript follows:

Dr. Weakly: So, you are back again. It has been a while.

Me: I guess I thought I was better.

Dr. Weakly: (with arrogant smile) what do you think is the root of your obsession with inconsequential things?

Me: What do you mean?

Dr. Weakly: You have more mood swings than a big band.

Me: I was hoping you would help me overcome my defects, not criticize and judge.  Two heads are better than one you know.

Dr. Weakly:  Really? If you introduce another head into this equation chances are you will simply bump heads. Besides, I’m not so sure your head is operating at 100% of a full head. It could be as effective as pumping oxygen into an open field.

Me: What?

Dr. Weakly: Take a look at all the things you have achieved in your life.

Me: (Frowning)

Dr. Weakly: Never mind.  What you need to do is look at your defects with clean glasses.  Use some lukewarm water and gentle soap or a microfiber cloth. You can’t reach your mental infrastructure by reverse brainstorming.

Me: Can you give me an example of how to see my defects more clearly?

Dr. Weakly: Are you expecting me to do your work? You think because I charge you two hundred dollars an hour that it will bribe me to lie to you? Do you think I have amassed my great wealth by means of fraud?  Think hard. I know it sounds like a monumental task but can you name one thing you have any ability in?

Me: Ability?

Dr. Weakly: What is that voice in the back of your mind saying about you? It must be exhausting to drag that uncertainty around day in and day out. Have you considered joining an enthusiasts club?

Me: I’m not a joiner.

Dr. Weakly:  (after an impatient sigh) I can see that finding your backbone is going to be a long drawn out process. It will require commitment, focus, periodic evaluation to determine your progress, patience to tolerate the plateaus and a lot of time. Our time is just about up. Let me ask you this, if you were I, and I was you, what advice would you give?

Me: (after thinking for a long moment) I suppose I would tell me to be optimistic for one thing. A few foul ups don’t define me. Putting a positive spin on the events of my life doesn’t cost me a thing. It would be to my advantage to remember I’m most likely not going to hit the ball out of the park my first time at bat and I would remind me that I will survive the humiliation of revealing my imperfect self. A few initial failures are a small price to pay for learning and experiencing new things. Getting back to my yoga and meditation routines will distract me from negative thoughts and release endorphins that will help me feel happier and more relaxed. I need to define my self-improvement goals in terms of baby steps. I must be accountable to a mentor regarding my weaknesses and admit to any defects that come to the forefront. I should trust that I am guided by a higher power greater than myself to establish a list of defects and the correct order they are to be addressed. Most of all, I would remind me that challenges and difficulties are a part of life and my goal is not to have a problem free life but to monitor how I respond to obstacles.

Dr. Weakly: (his eyebrows flew up in surprise). I think the first order of business will be to get your ego to right size and remember who is the therapist and who is the patient. Attacking others, especially professionals, will only bring you setbacks. We need to project the right images onto your mental screen. I have an undergraduate degree, a doctorate degree in psychology and a master’s degree in forensic psychology. I believe that qualifies me to tell you that you will require at least six months of intense therapy and another six months of follow up therapy to address your issues. Next week, same time?

Me: Yes. Check okay?

A License to Hunt Ghosts

Recently, one of my friends showed me a photo of her family. The sun was shining, the grass was green, blossoms were blooming, everyone was smiling and she indicated the light orb just to the right of her is her mother.  It was just above her shoulder. I suggested to her that maybe the orb was a dust particle, a drop of moisture or a bug on the lens.

“Really?” she said. “Then how do you explain the fact that this is the only photo with the orb in it? We took lots of photos of our gathering with that camera and this is the only one with the mauve orb? Mauve was my mother’s favorite color and didn’t you notice the Herringbone pattern in it?”

Yes, I have to admit I did.

I’m no stranger to the supernatural. I have had paranormal experiences that could curl a porcupine’s quills. Footsteps in the kitchen when no one else was home, loud knocks on a wall, one night when I was fourteen, my mother and I awoke to a very loud crash but when we got up and investigated, nothing was out of place and my father and sister said they hadn’t heard a thing. The dog hadn’t even woken up. I have felt the presence of departed loved ones (I just seemed to know who was there) and even felt a tingly touch on my skin and the back of my hair being stroked. 

This led me to wonder about ghost hunters. Don’t ask me why. I can’t explain how my mind works either. Do you need a license to hunt? How do you get started? Where do you look? Do you need a psychic? Do you have to go at night when it’s creepy or can you hunt in the safe light of day?

Well let me tell you, there are scads of websites dealing with ghost hunters, countless photos and videos of orbs and a few sites with information for the do it yourselfer. A book is offered for the low price of $49.95 that will explain the theories behind ghostly activity, defining the spectral, organizing and conducting investigations and even where to shop for affordable detection tools.

There are ghost terminators, ghost rescuers and ghost groups. There are two types of spirits, one was a human at one time and the other was never human and considered bad news. I had a boyfriend once whose mother referred to me as bad news but that’s another story.  There are clairvoyants (seeing) clairaudients (hearing), clairsentience (feeling) clairgustance (tasting) and clairalience (smelling). I guess there is a clair for everything and everyone. I could use some clairpesos (the ability to detect money) or maybe a medium of exchange. Hey! I hear you groaning.

One of the sites I visited offered a home study course for a ghost hunting certification for $400. Now I ask you, do you really need to flaunt a ghost hunting badge at someone when a simple business card would do?  And would you be taken seriously?  Really?

Did you know they hold the annual Paranormal Awards in New Hampshire? Some of the categories are, Investigator of the Year, Researcher of the Year, Internet Show of the Year and Radio Show of the Year.  You are judged on strict criteria by a panel of professional judges with years of experience in the field of the paranormal. I’m really close on this one.

The University of Glasgow is now offering a course in psychical research for which you can earn a diploma but there is nothing of this nature in America…yet. There are plenty of seminars, groups, experts and investigators who are willing to help you for a fee. Are there government regulations for ghost hunters? Does there need to be?

What makes me real sad are those who appeal to the grief stricken. Someone who would go anywhere, do anything and pay any amount of money to have the chance to touch, see, feel, hear and smell the ones they miss so fiercely, and believe me, there are heap of ‘em.

I have lost a few that are near and dear to me,…parents, friends, a love and six years ago, my son. I don’t need a diploma to talk to him, to believe I hear his answers. I don’t need an infra-red camera when I can close my eyes and see his smile.  I don’t need a powerful EMF pump to feel the love I shared with him. I don’t need a boost amplifier because his laugh is burned into my memory.  I don’t have to pay for the intention to spend time with him. All I need is a wish and my belief that we never really die. 

Is Your GPS Working?

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together today, here in the sign of God- and Jewish mothers everywhere to grant pardon or pay homage to our female procreator. This is a day to find the 'perfect card', buy her favorite candy, contend with the maddening crowd at Peppones and honor almighty Mother, au pair, caretaker, parent, nanny and nurse.

My mother has been gone for thirty years but I remember how finding the ‘perfect card’ was no small task and often filled with emotion. I had to begin days before, rummaging the shelves of Hallmark, frisking sales clerks for the latest deliveries for that one card that depicted an unequaled, world class supreme being. Often, I would ultimately concede to the humor section and find something that made me laugh.

I have been armed with a background of guilt and experiencing the psychodynamics of it can be overwhelming to say the least.  Because of this I have very consciously worked hard to disarm it and not to use it on others although there are times I wish I had. Just kidding, kind of. 

 Guilt can be used to attain control, change a point of view or behavior, to break down, to attack and to punish. All in all it’s kind of like the Swiss army emotion, good for manipulating in any situation.

It’s appropriate to feel guilty for something you’ve done especially if it violates your own moral code.  Cheating, lying, stealing, things of this nature qualifies for a huge helping of guilt. Guilt is a built-in barometer that helps to keep us on the up and up but now I’m straying away from the subject of Mother’s Day. A good day to remember that a Guilt Producing Scheme, or GPS as I refer to it must be veiled in sweetness, helplessness or anger. My mother was a master at it and so was my father but let’s leave him out of it, his day is coming next month. 

“After all I have done for you,” was usually the signal that I should get my bag out and start packing because I was going on a long guilt trip. It was usually prompted by something I did that ticked her off, something I didn’t do that ticked her off; something I said that ticked her off or something I was thinking about doing that ticked her off. She was allowed to get ticked off, I wasn’t. As long as I was waiting on her hand and foot (because I know you’ll do it) I could be free of the countless guilt trips good for thousands of frequent flyer miles I might add. If I rebelled, I would be subject to the long, lonely, icy silence that usually prompted my shotgun approach to apologize for everything from unclean thoughts to breathing air that some nice person could be breathing.

By far, the most debilitating form of guilt that I have had to work the hardest to overcome is what I have felt for being a creative type.  I turned toward the arts at a very early age, painting a picture, writing a poem, playing a song on my guitar all were things that were considered frivolous and I was frequently reminded that I should focus my attention on getting a real job like working at the Post Office. Incidentally, I did work at the post office from 1983 to 1989 and I was miserable but that’s another story or perhaps a series of short stories about going postal.  

The sad part of all this was that my mother was creative too. She had several pieces of beaded jewelry and delicately painted porcelain that she had crafted but always kept them hidden away.  Don’t bring attention to yourself, put your light under a bushel, leave things as you found them and for God’s sake, “stop ‘yer braggin’.” She often confused self-esteem with conceit. “I never compliment my girls, I don’t want them to be conceited.” Well, maw, that worked, we’re about ten days past conceited.

Do I love my mother? Yes. Do I think she did the best she knew how? Yes.  I realize that a lot of my issues have her name of them but my solutions clearly have my name on them.  A long term stint in a self help group, thirteen years of psychotherapy and a whole lot of challenging my belief system has set me on the path I need to be thank you very much.

Today I choose to remember the amusing side of my mother like driving and never making a left turn. It’s true, she went everywhere making right turns and it is totally possible but not at all efficient. My favorite of her sayings, “The television gets real clear just before it blows up, always expect the worst and you’ll never be disappointed and never eat a banana before going to bed.” I’m sure she’s looking down on me happy that I never did test her banana before bed warning.

I love you mom, Happy Mother’s Day.

MAY IS YAM SMELLED BACKWARDS

Today, May 4th is a very special day in history. For those who don’t know or don’t care, Manhattan Island was purchased for $24 in cloth and buttons in 1626. A phonograph was played for the first time at the Grand Opera House in 1878, The Academy of Motion Pictures was founded in 1934 and Al Capone began his residency at Atlanta Penitentiary for tax evasion in 1932. I’m mentioning these days because I presume they have long been forgotten and rightfully so. 

I suppose the only day in this list truly worth celebrating would be the Academy of Motion Pictures.  Happy 79th Anniversary Academy! I plan to watch Bruce Almighty later tonight; it has been expertly stored in my Direct TV Genie HD DVR, waiting a convenient time to be viewed. Today is that convenient, auspicious and celebratory day! There are a few other choices for celebration; after all it is the first Saturday in May.

Today marks the 139th running of the Kentucky Derby, a favorite celebration for horse lovers, gamblers and drinkers. I placed a small bet on Giant Finish at 39 to 1.  I love surprises.

This is also National Pilates Day, another event worth mentioning as an annual, international, community day that is intended to foster the public’s appreciation and awareness of the Pilate Method.  Joseph Pilates developed this physical fitness system in the early 20th century and called it “Contrology”. It involves concentrationology, breathingology, mentalology, postureology  and painfulology. I don’t usually celebrate this day.

The day that truly captures my heart is, World Naked Gardening Day, with the tenth annual being celebrated today. I want to know why I didn’t know about this! People all over the world are encouraged  to tend their garden unclothed as nature intended.  Really? It is believed that WNGD can develop a sense of community (especially with the crowd you will draw), it costs no money, (unless you are cited for public indecency), runs no unwanted risk (obviously they have not considered the presence of assassin bugs or leather beetles and if you swat at them you can be arrested for sexual assault) and reminds us of our tie to the natural world (especially from a swift lash from the branch of a Crape Myrtle).

Celebrators of WNGD encourage you to tell someone about your naked gardening experiences. I felt the need to remain anonymous so I called a random number and talked at length to someone who went by the nickname of, Stalking Sam. We plan to celebrate together next year. He has a lovely garden of Cestrum Nocturnum, which only bloom at night. He said I should bring a couple of friends as well.

We all can think of safety hazards, especially when gardening naked. Since I am a sensible person, I take precautions. I always wear safety goggles  because there is a risk of small particles or neighbor’s old shoes flying through the air. Earplugs are necessary when I operate my loud gardening equipment, I prefer Putty Buddies soft silicone earplugs over the spark plugs brand. I wear gloves to prevent irritations and cuts. I also wear a safety helmet when cutting tree limbs. Sunscreen and insect repellant are a must. I am now ready to do my naked part and make my area of botanical world a healthier and more attractive place.

After only fifteen minutes of gardening, I have decided that I don’t intend to observe this day in the future. My neighbor is selling his house and his real estate agent dropped by. I gave him a wide smile as he strolled around the property. He asked me if I work in the nude often. I explained about World Naked Gardening Day and offered him some lemonade. He didn’t stay long but on his way to his car he came across a Praying Mantis and pointed to it. I told him how much I appreciate them because they keep my garden free of pest insects. Then I wondered out loud as to what the nature of  his prayers might be. Know what he said?

“I believe he is praying that you will go put some clothes on.”

Cell Phones and Other Macrobiotic Organisms

Every day, people at work are walking around the office wearing their headsets, seemingly talking to themselves. Trouble is, when they’re listening, it’s impossible to tell if they are on a call. Often, I start to talk to them and they give me that, can’t-you- see- I’m- on- the -phone, glare.  At other times, they are actually talking to me and I don’t realize it. That’s when I get the, hell-oooo-I’m talking to YOU look.

Yesterday, I had a ten minute conversation with a woman in the check-out line in the supermarket. I didn’t realize she was on the phone until she said, “No, I’m not talking to anyone but the woman in line ahead of me thinks she is.” Maybe someone should create some sort of signal that lets you know when they’re on the phone.  How about placing a sticky note on your forehead? You could say something like Rod Serling: You’re dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead — this is no ordinary telephone… You have reached, “The Twilight Phone”. Inferior being, kindly slip me a hand-written note and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

That's not my only peeve though. A few years back, at a gathering I attended, a pre-teen came in from the garage and asked if anyone had a razor. I was concerned until he explained that he wanted to check out the latest in cell phones. Someone produced a Bluetooth with digital camera and MPEG4 video playback, built-in speakerphone and precision cut keypad. He said it provided a total sensory experience. Really? And to think, I used to be impressed if a gadget chopped, sliced and diced.

Another phone was pulled from a purse.  Now, this one seemed more my style. She said she wanted a cell phone that didn’t intimidate her, and reinforced her sense of comfort and familiarity. The features she showed made me feel more relaxed. I immediately knew it would fit my needs. It wasn’t small and difficult to handle. When she unfolded it, it was sleek and shaped exactly like the receiver of my old pink princess phone. A coiled cord dropped down and was completely twisted and snarled. We laughed hilariously as she allowed it to twirl to untangle. She said she didn’t have to configure it either. It was configured remotely by her five-year-old grandson. Instead of a keypad, it had a dial with holes big enough for your fingers. Instead of a signal strength meter, there was a dial tone. There were no icons or menus, but there was a feature that would ask you a few yes and no questions, which you could answer via voice command: Do you want to check your voicemail? Do you want to talk to your psychologist? Do you want to call the driver behind you and ask if they are lonely, because if they aren’t, they should back off before you slam on your brakes? If only.

Alas, simplicity is a thing of the past, my past. There are plenty of cell phone users that would be anxious to debate me on this because for them cell phones are simpler than ever, for them. 

I am resigned to the fact that it is my turn in the ignorance of technology barrel. My parents discovered ignorance of technology when speed dialing came out. I shook my head and admonished my mother for not understanding how to program speed dial on her phone or even to operate the microwave. Connecting the portable dishwasher to the kitchen faucet was beyond her comprehension. Geesh. Next!!

I do have an iPhone and I am more dependent on it than I care to admit but I never allow a child to tinker with it. I have made that mistake before and had it returned with a plethora of added applications and functions beyond my capabilities. “What have you done!”

Won’t those youngsters be surprised when their children shake their heads and criticize them for not understanding how the teleporter locks onto the trillions of atoms that make up the human body to send it to another destination? Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.

The Hair Plays A Part

As I was blow drying my hair this morning, I realized that it has undergone many great difficulties through the years. It occurred to me that I should lavish it with expensive shampoos and conditioners. After all the abuse it has suffered, Lord knows it deserves some pampering.

The first hair disaster happened when I was four. I wound a comb into my bangs so tightly it had to be cut out. The first couple of times I wound it up I was able to easily unwind it. Great trick, wait till I show mom. It was the third winding that didn't go as planned and mom wasn't as impressed as I had hoped when I came crying to her with a comb hairball bobbing from my bangs.

When I was nine, my mother and I were visiting her friend. Her garbage disposal was clogged and she asked, since I had the smallest hands, if I would rummage around to see what might be stuck. I was able to extract a half ground stalk of celery and held it up. Then she asked me, without using my hands, to look over the drain with a flashlight and let her know if I could see anything else. I reached over and flipped the disposal switch on. The blades whirred and shot our a clump of greens that went splat on the top part of my forehead and made my bangs stand straight up. She and my mother laughed until they peed their pants. That wasn't the first time I made them laugh that hard.

When I was fourteen, I was at the mall with a friend. We always enjoyed going into the pet shop to see the puppies. As we passed a cage that housed two squirrel monkeys, one of them quickly reached between the bars and grabbed a handful of my hair. I stopped short. My friend and I gently tried to pry his fingers open but we were afraid of hurting him if we tried too hard. The monkey didn't seem too concerned with his effect on me. He refused to release my hair. The pet shop owner had to be paged as a crowd of people gathered to see the girl with a monkey in her hair. You will be relieved to know that no animals were harmed in the creation of this embarrassing moment.

My hair has been bleached, permed, dyed, cut, teased, lacquered, torn out at the roots by a childhood nemesis and burned. No wonder it suffers from post traumatic hair symptom. It's a wonder I have any hair left at all which is why I am turning over a new leaf. I vow never again to wind combs in it, walk too close to monkeys or hover over garbage disposals. I will pay the extra dollar or two for the right shampoo and conditioner and I promise to moisturize at least once a week.

Sorry, hair.

Dr. Bennett and Me

In my ongoing quest for self-betterment and mental health, I am actively following suggestions set forth by my psychiatrist, Dr. Neil Weakly. The following transcript documents the session I had with Dr. Anthony Bennett, a well-know physicist, and Nobel Prize winner.

Dr. Bennett: So, my friend, Dr. Weakly has sent you here?

Me: Yes, he believes my brain is functioning at an extremely slow rate. Because I am at such a low learning level, I am in what is known as the ‘drone zone.’ He says, if it is left unchallenged, my brain may turn off altogether. (quivering voice) The idea of this happening to me is terrifying.

Dr. Bennett: (gazing at me as if I were a behind a microscope) And you would like to find the optimal state of challenge, stretch your brain, and ultimately be exhilarated by a sense of accomplishment?

Me: Yes!

Dr. Bennett: On the other hand (holding up his left hand), if we tackle learning that is too much of a stretch, you will be in the ‘groan zone’. (His smile flashes like a vintage flash bulb, minus the pop).

Me: Is there some type of IQ test that I can take that will find the right level of challenge in terms of pace, level and precision?

Dr. Bennett: Forget about IQ…it’s bogus. I would like to begin by addressing your reptilean brain.

Me: Excuse me?

Dr. Bennett: There is a center in your brain that carries the legacy of our evolutionary past, with emotions such as fear, anxiety and passion. Depending on which emotion you are tapped into, you can speed up or slow down your learning to a Worm Lizard’s pace.

Me: Oh my God! I had no idea.

Dr. Bennett: Well of course you didn’t. That’s why you’re here. Let’s begin with the theory of the universe.

Me: Really? That’s a stretch. You don’t think that’s a bit advanced for my reptilian brain center?

Dr. Bennett: (giving me a look of disgust) who is the Nobel Prize winner in this room?

Me: You are.

Dr. Bennett: Exactly. (assuming a more comfortable position) If the universe was created from nothing, then nothing has potential that you have never dreamed of before. This brings us to the idea of you.

Me: Okay.

Dr. Bennett: We cannot see two points because they are at zero dimensions. But, if you make a line between the non-points, then there can be a relation between them. Imagine this now.

Me: Does it make a difference how fast the line is going?

Dr. Bennett: It takes no time for the universe to travel from one point to the other. You would have to reduce the speed infinitely, which translates into eternity. (appears bored) Perhaps Dr. Weakly’s suspicions about your brain shutting down are well-founded.

Me: Wait…can there be a negative speed that I don’t know about?

Dr. Bennett: There is a way, through reducing the rate of the line at which potential information can be received; and in this way essentially, have our whole uneaten pie while enjoying a piece of it because we are continually creating the pieces. Do you understand this hypothesis?

Me: (staring blankly) Where did the pie come from? I thought we were talking about lines. Now you have introduced something circular. It’s hard to wrap my brain around two theories at once.

Dr. Bennett: Of course it is, my child. I’m talking about two, zero-dimensional points creating a single dimension. Your question of how it is done is, by way of time reduction, or in other words, is nothing more than stalling. It is not a velocity-dependent line. Time, slowed down, is the sole determining factor of conscious reality. Avoiding my question most likely reveals some emotional disorder or mental illness.

Me: What kind of pie is it? Fruit or cream?

Dr. Bennett: What is so difficult about imagining a cycle? They have beginnings and endings much like the four seasons; and do they not keep repeating themselves?

Me: I had a gift certificate for the Four Seasons once but it expired before I had a chance to use it.

Dr. Bennett:  Discard the notion of seeing in the literal sense. If you could see absolutely nothing, it would be the same as if you could see everything simultaneously. With this perspective, creation would require no beginning or ending. Thus, the straight line can travel in any direction, don’t you see?

Me: I have a question.

Dr. Bennett: (looking perturbed) Yes?

Me: When you say reptilian center, what species are you talking about? I mean, there are snakes, lizards, Gila monsters, turtles and crocodiles. And aren’t certain species endangered? Maybe you mean the already extinct reptiles like the, Tonga Ground Stick, or the, Yunnan Box Turtle. Do you? I’m not so sure that I like the idea that a part of my brain is cold-blooded or scaly. I mean, I was just wondering.

Dr. Bennett: Just because there is mental activity going on in your head doesn’t mean that you are thinking. Thinking is hard work. Having a thought doesn’t mean you are thinking either. We all have thoughts. In your case, I would say you are merely rearranging your opinions. Everyone has an opinion, as well as a naval, but it takes a special talent to think properly.

Me: I heard that Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a naval.

Dr. Bennett: Have you ever had a brain scan?

Me: Yes, but it was inconclusive.

Dr. Bennett: Your brain is a physical organ. It is significantly affected by your physical condition and surroundings. The concept of the line and the relation between two points is still in question. Have you formulated an intelligent answer?

Me: So, do you think I should enroll in a line-dancing class?

Dr Bennett: (Staring at me as if I had two reptilian centers) let’s just hope your feet have a mind of their own.