Sunday, June 27, 2010

When I Say No I Feel Swell

Me: I just don’t want to feel disrespected anymore, doctor Weakly.
Dr. Weakly: We know that feelings aren’t facts, don’t we?
Me: As a matter of fact, just this morning, a woman pushed her way in line directly in front of me at the store.
Dr. Weakly: What did you say to her?
Me: I told her if she didn’t go to the end of the line, I would hit her so hard her dog would bleed.
Dr. Weakly: Don’t you think that was an extreme reaction to someone who cut in line?
Me: Don’t you think a 95 year-old woman should know not to cut in line? At least her seeing-eye dog should know.
Dr. Weakly: Do you always should on people?
Me: No, not always, sometimes I coulda woulda on them too.
Dr. Weakly: Do you have another example of being disrespected?
Me: I went to a department store last week-end, when an army of police marched in and cordoned off the area I was in. I was sent to a holding area and waited for hours.
Dr. Weakly: Were you by yourself?
Me: God no. There were hundreds of us. We were packed in like cattle. They said we would have to wait until 9am to take advantage of the sale.
Dr. Weakly: I’m wondering, did your parents ever instruct you in the fine art of simple manners?
Me: Manners?! What do manners have to do with the basic respect that should be extended to everyone, including me?
Dr. Weakly: My mother forced me to read Emily Post’s book of etiquette when I was fourteen years old. I will always be grateful.
Me: Emily Post? Oh yeah, I heard of her, the hostest with the mostest. She wrote all kinds of manner pornography in the early 1900’s.
Dr. Weakly: Pornography?
Me: It may as well have been. Were manners present in her life? Did you know that she divorced her husband in 1905 for having affairs with chorus girls and actresses? I guess he didn’t read her article on proper marriage etiquette, now did he?
Dr. Weakly: Maybe we should go over a few basic simple manners to separate out the difference between disrespect and ignorance.
Me: Are you calling me ignorant?
Dr. Weakly: No, what I’m saying is most people are ignorant of good manners and this may be mistaken for disrespect.
Me: Give me an example.
Dr. Weakly: For example, don’t use filthy language or tell off color jokes.
Me: Have I ever? I mean…
Dr. Weakly: Don’t greet a co-worker with the question, how they hangin’?
Me: But…
Dr. Weakly: Don’t interrupt others.
Me: I wouldn’t…
Dr. Weakly: And when dining in the company of others, cut your meat with your fork in your left hand and the knife in the right, put your knife down, switch your fork to the right hand before putting the undersized bite in your mouth. Many years ago, a girl I dated broke up with me for not passing the fork test. And the belching! Judas Priest, I shall never forgive myself.
Me: Wow, and I thought I was sensitive. You know, in the Far East, belching is considered a compliment to the chef.
Dr. Weakly: She was right to leave me! Oh, God, how I wished I had paid more attention to Emily Post!
Me: I can appreciate your regret, but what does this have to do with me feeling respected? I really think manners are subjective. I have a friend whose boyfriend insists on walking on the outside of the sidewalk to protect her from mud splashes. Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to protect her when a mugger lunged out from between buildings and snatched her purse.
Dr. Weakly: What I am saying is that everything is connected, Unfortunately, consequences are not always easy to see. It's like stretching a rubber band. As you stretch the rubber band further and further, the tension increases, but nothing seems to happen, so you think that nothing ever will. Then, suddenly, the rubber reaches its limit. It burns when it snaps.
Me: I think I would have understood your words without you shooting me with that rubber band, and the paper clip you attached to it really hurt.
Dr. Weakly: With experience comes great wisdom.
Me: I see. So, you’re saying if I improve my manners, I will understand that relationships form for our mutual becoming. Lives intermesh, thoughts and feelings intermingle. Events influence one another and the relationships we share are like the bits of color in a painting, affected by all the surrounding hues?
Dr. Weakly: No, what I’m saying is, if you hold your fork in the wrong hand and belch after you eat, you may regret it for the rest of your life.

Saturday, June 5, 2010


Germany has developed a unique device, actually a suit, which is an Age Simulator System, or ASS for those who enjoy acronyms. It is thought that this suit will help young designers of electrical appliances, cars and medical equipment improve designs by being made aware of the specific difficulties of those in their autumn years. God forbid we say the ‘O’ word. Old, old, old, old…there, I said it, thrice.

The suit has weights sewn in at various points to simulate heaviness, built-in ear muffs to decrease hearing and the helmet has a visor that restricts the line of vision and wraps it in a dull yellowish tinge. A quote from one of the first to try the suit was, “Just crossing the street was an adventure, sitting down on a bench was a pain and getting up was exhausting.” A twenty-three-year-old explained that the joints in the suit deliberately stiffened, preventing her from getting her leg over a bike. Yet another said he fumbled around in pain as he reached for his wallet, with the gloves pricking his hands at every moment. I’ll bet they were happy to have their ASS fall off. The price of this suit wasn’t mentioned, but I’m sure with all the features mentioned, it’s not cheap.

Why is it so important for us to know what it feels like to be old? How would experiencing ten minutes in any kind of simulation help us to be kinder people? Shouldn’t we be kind and make things easier just because we should?

I think the ASS was developed so we won’t be afraid to grow old…to die. We will you know, grow old before we die, if we are lucky. There are ways to know what it feels like to be old without spending vast amounts of money. Here are a few exercises that I guarantee will simulate the natural aging process.

• Go to the nearest sleep gallery, jump up on the bed closest to you and try to prance around the room by jumping from bed to bed. Be sure to keep your knees bent when crossing over the water beds. Two times around the room should give you a good idea of what arthritis in the knee joints feels like.

• Next time you’re at a Grand Opening, stare into the spotlight they have roving the sky. I would suggest a good thirty minutes as the perfect amount of time to experience the reduced vision associated with cataracts.

• Drink several 32 oz. beverages, but don’t go to the bathroom. Go to a comedy show. This will simulate incontinence, believe me.

• Ask a friend to stand behind you, place an air horn against the back of your head, and blow it for one full minute. If performed correctly, this will replicate the major hearing loss that most elderly people experience. It may take some time to recover from this test, be patient.

• Fill a large wading pool with water. Run as fast as you can through the water several times around the circumference. This test is for experiencing the feeling one gets from standing up too quickly. Be sure to wear rubber sole deck shoes, the pool bottom will be slippery. If you fall, you may hit your head on a sprinkler head and that would be the self-induced coma simulator for those who are curious as to what that feels like.

Let’s not be afraid of the natural wearing out process. Thumb your nose at death, go ahead, it is fun. I have laughed in the face of death (even after eating garlic), had brushes with him, flirted with him and even gone so far as to give him a lap dance. See? I’m okay.

The only thing that really bothers me about aging is that I seem to be shrinking and now I have more weight to lose than I thought.