Sunday, February 10, 2013

Tarts, Sours, and Crème de Poo Poo

Finance Blogs are reporting that Valentine’s day may be a little more expensive this year due to the increasing cost of raw materials, almost 5% higher to be exact. The cost of producing perfume, chocolate and silk has risen considerably but it is the cost of Cocoa that has risen a whopping 15% in a year. A dinner for two has dropped 9% and that may be the best choice for your wallet but make sure you are making the healthiest choice for your well-being. 

I watched children in the Walmart aisle today, laughing and pointing up at the familiar February landmarks. Their father glumly followed after them, glancing up at the big red hearts suspended from the ceiling.  Valentine’s Day is hard to miss, with reminders stuck on every window. Must buy… candy, cards, perfume, flowers, jewelry… or suffer the consequences. What might they be? A guilt trip for one? A night on the town by yourself? What is the worst thing that could happen? I read sometime back that a woman killed her thoughtless husband with a single blow from a 16” enamel, cast-iron, Panini pan. Death by cookware.

It’s come to this, the words I love you, mean nothing more than paper or plastic. That is, paper meaning money, and plastic equals’ gift card. When did love turn into, “if you really loved me, you’d….” Buy me a, diamond, take me to Oistins fish fry in Barbatos, or how about a C250 Mercedes? When presented with these options, it isn’t so hard to pick out a mushy greeting with a $ card for itunes, now is it? A word to the wise…come along peacefully.

When I used to start sponging up the feelings that commercialism tends to project…your nobody till somebody loves you…I would dig into my home improvements file, and pull out my divorce papers.  Incidentally, I received my final papers from Van Nuys court, in the mail on a certain Valentine’s Day, years ago. No kidding. I imagine some court clerk laughing maniacally and calculating the correct date to mail out hundreds of final decrees so recipients would receive them on that particular Valentine’s Day. Thanks.

If the divorce papers didn’t work, I would remember the special Valentine’s Day when I received an oak toilet seat, which was just one of the grounds leading up to the divorce in the first place. I was a good sport about it though. I installed it in the oval room.

I don’t think this way anymore. After many long years of being single, I finally found a man I am truly compatible with. I don’t expect him to buy me expensive gifts. I only want what he gave me before we actually started dating. It was a half melted Symphony chocolate bar that he had in his glove compartment. He put it there so he wouldn’t forget to give it to me the following week. It was so deformed it made me laugh out loud. It was the best candy bar I had ever tasted.

The history channel claims Valentine’s Day is marked by the beginning of birds mating season. This confirms my suspicions that Valentine’s Day is truly for the birds. If you want to know more about the history of Valentine’s Day, just click on this link:

You will learn about the Roman ‘lottery’ system that paired couples. I believe this ritual has been resurrected by Internet dating. 
St. Valentine was beheaded in the year 269 A.D. or thereabouts. But it just goes to show you, whether you lose your head over love or get struck by a cast-iron Panini pan…you just can’t win.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Carp Pay Diem

We all know how to look stupid, like trying a new dance at a party, forgetting a speech, accidently farting on one of the metal chairs during group meditation, or just shooting your friend in the face while quail hunting.

I plan to present a foolproof business plan that any investor would be stupid to refuse.  Don’t risk appearing stupid by allowing this venture to pass you by!

 Recently, at Lake Chicot, in Arkansas, on a large inner tube towed by a pontoon boat, a Silver Asian carp leapt from the water.  Not only did it fly several feet, it hit an inner tube cruiser in the face! This would have been funny had his jaw not been broken by the high-speed collision.  He was rushed to a nearby hospital where his jaw was wired.

A jumping fish was able to render a full-grown man unconscious by leaping from the water and smacking him in the face. He lay in the hospital for over a week in peaceful slumber and lost a total of thirty pounds before the wire was removed from his jaw. In the midst of this state of affairs, an idea was born.

I’ve taken immediate steps to acquire a little-known lake in South Dakota, which will be the site for my new weight-loss spa for insomniacs. Yes, Lake Chicot can rid their recreational activities of these pesky, ill-mannered, carp while I stock my lake with the remedy for millions of those who suffer from food and sleep disorders.

Imagine floating lazily across the glass-like surface of the lake, the sound of the water lapping at the sides of the inner tube that your chubby limbs are resting on.  And then, WHAM! One minute you’re wishing you could lose weight while you sleep, and then next you’re knocked unconscious by a Silver Asian Carp. Granted, it’s a drastic solution but so is gastric bypass surgery. Not to mention, the fish could be thought of as a mass dose of tryptophan in a flying scaly suit. I realize that most dieters would rather go online and phish for the best way to lose weight but without a personal assistant that will tend to your needs in recovery by way of pureeing your food and holding the straw while you suck, you will have little chance of success with monitoring yourself.  So, Stop beating yourself up and get on with the idea of taking care of yourself!

I will soon be setting up seminars to explain in full detail this phenomenal venture.  Because an open bar will be present at these meetings, investors will become more open to ideas presented while under the influence of alcohol. I will also have pre-paid taxi’s available for those who will hopefully over indulge. Everyone wants to be a star – wouldn’t you like to be the guy all the women are noticing out of the corners of their eyes, gesturing to their friends about? How do you position yourself to be that guy? By making wise investments, that’s how.

Just think of all the money we will make when those afflicted with uncontrolled eating, restless leg syndrome and insomnia come to us for their cure.  I can see them all now, lined up on their camping mats, jaws wired and sleeping peacefully in a group or perhaps enjoying the lake while lying in a tailor-made-for-you inflatable watercraft.

This isn’t the only venture I am pitching though.  Some of the information I have gathered has given me a brilliant idea for a Bliss Spa. Yes, take a relaxing week-end and discover that ignorance truly is bliss. The three U’s will be emphasized. Be uneducated, uninformed and unaware. Remember, these are vital conditions for creating a truly forgettable resort experience. UUU, for you, you, you.  More to come.