Sunday, November 2, 2014

Sectional Dining - An Exaggerated View

A man walks into a restaurant with his pregnant wife.
Hostess: "Table for two?"
Man #1: "Yes please."
Hostess: "Would you like the conversational section or the silent section?"
Man #1 looks at his wife.
Wife #1 puts her finger to her lips.
Man #1: "We'll take the silent section."
Hostess: "Right this way please."
Hostess seats them and hands them a menu.
Hostess: “Your waiter will be right with you.”

Another couple walks in.
Hostess: "Table for two?"
Man #2 is quite drunk, turns to his wife and puts a hand over one eye.
Man #2: "Yep! Just two!"
Hostess: "Would you like the conversational section or the silent section?"
Wife #2: "Do you have a loud obnoxious opinionated section?"
Hostess frowns in confusion.
Man #2: "I wanna talk!" He gives his wife a disgusted look.
Hostess: "Right this way please."
She seats them at the table across from couple #1 and hands them a menu.
Man #2: “And bring me a scotch and soda!”

Waiter brings his drink and returns to the kitchen.

Couple  #1 sits quietly and studies the menu.
Man #2 opens his menu.
Man #2: "Holy crap! Look at these friggin' prices!
Couple #1 gives him a snotty look.
Man #2 makes a face back at them.
Wife #2: "Mmmm, the prime rib sounds wonderful."
Man #2: "Prime rib? Yeah right, it better be 35 bucks worth of wonderful! No wonder the cows come down with that mad disease…they've seen these friggin' prices!"
Wife #2 whispers: "I would appreciate it if you wouldn't embarrass me tonight."
Man #2: "After all these years and you finally appreciate something!"
Wife #1 tugs at her earlobes.
Man #1 frowning: "Shhhh"
Man #2: "Shush yourself ya’ son of a nutcracker and mind your own business!

Waiter approaches couple #1: "May I take your order?"
Man #1 whispers to waiter: "Isn't this the silent section?"
Waiter: "Well the dividing line is right there." He points to an invisible line between the tables.
Man #1: Do you have any more tables in this section? The man next to us is quite loud."
Waiter: "I'm so sorry sir but we are completely booked."
Man #1 sighs and looks at his menu. "Very well then, I'll have the braised chicken wings with apple and onion gravy with baby vegetables."

Man #2: "They should have pictures on this menu so you know what the hell you're ordering!"
Wife #1 whispers to Wife #2: "Excuse me but we came here for a nice quiet meal, could you ask your husband to keep his voice down?"
Wife #2: "Honey, I've been asking that for 25 years and it hasn't happened yet. Any suggestions?"

Waiter to Wife #1: "May I take your order?"
Wife #1: "I'll just have the goat cheese salad please, I seem to have lost my appetite." She glares at couple #2.
Waiter: "Very well."
Waiter turns to couple #2: "I'll be right back to take your order."

Man #2: "Hey! what's yer name fellah?"
Waiter: "Mick, sir."
Man #2: "Mixer! That should be my damn name with all the booze I drink! Ha ha ha ha. Which reminds me, I need a little scotch to go with this water." He tips his glass and drains it.
Waiter: "Right away sir." He smiles weakly and walks away.

Man #2 to his wife: "Did you hear the news today?"
Wife #2: "I always wait to hear your slant on it."
Man #2: “Looks like the nuclear power plants in northern California have an excellent opportunity to suffer the same meltdown style as Fukushima when we have another earthquake. And we will! Soon! So do we get a warning from anyone? Heck no!  You want to know why?”
Wife #2 calmly sips her water.
Man #2: “It’s because people are more interested in what Kim Kardashian wears on a date with that crapper, Cayenne West!”
Wife#2: He’s a rapper and his name is Kayne.”
Man#2:”Like I care!”

The waiter brings Man #2 another drink.

Man #2 grabs it and chugs it down. “Keep ‘em coming Mixer.”
Waiter: “Yes Sir.”

Man #2: "Damn Secret Service is using our tax dollars to hire prostitutes from Cartagena!” What’s wrong with our prostitutes? Not good enough for them? You know the White House is covering it up! Just like David friggin' Copperfield. They just make evidence disappear!”
Wife #2: "I did hear about those poor inner city children that have to deal with rat infested classrooms."
Man #2: "Aw, bull spit! Gives ‘em a great excuse for not turning in homework…a rat ate it!"

Wife #1 pinches her nose and waves the air as if clearing it of smoke.
Man #1: Would you please keep your opinions to yourself? You're making my wife sick!"
Man #2: "Me? What about you,Lord of the Wings and baby vegetables? You’d make anyone sick!"
Man #1: "Look, my wife is pregnant!"
Man #2: "Maybe you should be talking more! Ha ha ha ha."
Wife #1: "Haven't you heard about the dangers of second hand opinions?"
Man #2: "Ha! I suppose you're gonna teach your kid to be quiet too? Huh? Well, you'll see…one day he'll be pickin up a vowel here, one there. Next he'll be scoring syllables then before you know it he's got a dangling participle and that's when you'll find out he's hooked on phonics!" He threw his head back and laughed.
Man #1: "Knuckle dragging troglodyte! You're the last one I would discuss child rearing with! I've never heard a more opinionated jerk in my life!"

Manager walks over to Man #1.
Manager: "I'm sorry sir but you are sitting in the silent section, I have to ask you to stop talking or I will be forced to move you to another table."
Man #1: "Me!? He's the one doing all the talking!" He points to man #2.
Manager: "Yes, well that's because he is in the conversation section."
Man #1: "But…"
Manager puts his finger to his lips. Man #2 sticks his tongue out at Man #1.

The waiter brings couple #1 their order.
Waiter to Couple #2: "May I take your order now?"
Wife #2: "I think I will have the prime rib…er the Admiral cut with a large baked potato with everything on it….oh yes and add a large Caesar salad with fresh garlic bread please."
Man #2 leans over to talk to Wife #1: "Hey you…bun in the oven…I think I found your appetite! It's right here!" He points to his wife.
Waiter: "And for you sir?"
Man #2: "Just bring me the pig knuckles with pilaf!" He grins.
Waiter dabs the spittle out of the corner of his eye.
Waiter: "Very good choice sir."

Man #1: "Hey! Don’t even pretend to talk to my wife! Don't you have respect for anyone? Is this your first time in a restaurant? I am going to complain to management and have you tossed out on your drunken butt!"

Manager comes over.
Manager: "I'm sorry sir but I am going to have to ask you and your guest to sit at a different table located in the conversation section."
Man #1: "Never mind! We're leaving! What kind of an establishment are you running here anyway?" He throws money on the table and marches Wife #1 out.

Manager turns to couple #2
Manager: "I'm so sorry for this disturbance. Your meal will be complimentary and I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening here."
Man #2: "Aw, that's okay…things like that happen. Thanks for the dinner though."

Manager bows and walks away.

Wife #2: "Honestly!" She shakes her head at Man #2.

Man #2: "Hey Babe, pass me over those chicken wings and baby veggies would you?" He points to Man #1's plate.