Sunday, July 29, 2012

Sitting There With Vague On My Face

The art of using lots and lots of words without saying anything in particular is quite useful. I have tried but I have to admit I haven’t mastered the true art. I do appreciate it when I run across it…well, not run, but maybe walk briskly, I don’t have enough energy to run.

My latest example was a response from a vendor that the company I work for deals with. The question was, “Can you tell me when our order will ship?” The following is their reply sent via e-mail.

Hello Venita,

Your P.O. 55437 is estimated to ship within 3-6 business days. We have a 24 hour turn over rate policy and we have item #4873 in stock at all times.  But because your order is custom  (we ask them to tape the inner box shut), we can take a little longer to ship in regards to our policy. Usually your orders arrive to you in a timely manner , between 2 and three weeks, because of the particular product you order.  My point is, that you never know for sure when your orders are estimated to ship. I would like to change your account to where you’ll receive your future invoices via email. If we can do that, you will receive your invoice the very day that your order ships. For one, you’d know if your order has/hasn’t shipped, and two, we provide tracking information on the bottom of our invoices so you could track your order. Of course, this feature is ONLY available for UPS ground shipments.  Would you like me to set your account up that way using this email address? If you prefer a physical invoice in the mail, that is perfectly fine, of course your order may arrive before the invoice. 

About 87% of our customers have converted to paperless business. If you've already got an important bit of paperwork in your hand but you want to digitize it, you need a good document scanner. I'm still loving my Fujitsu ScanSnap, a portable document scanner that I bust out for contracts, legal agreements, and other already-in-paper-form documents. Jaksa advises putting everything from individual business information and forms to maps and newsletters in PDF format, which is compatible with any computer. Users can enter the information directly onto the PDF, and then it can be sent to be a database.
Of course, you are always welcome to contact me anytime to check up on your orders as well to get a roughly estimated ship date! Thanks, Venita, have a great rest of the week!
Warm Regards,
Marcia Grand x 100

Sunday, July 22, 2012

The Correlation Between the Sun and Sales Resistance

Of all the bizarre traits I’ve inherited from my mother, I believe the one that tops my inventory is my inability to say no to salespeople. I’d like to say it’s only the high pressure sales that I am vulnerable to but I have to admit it is probably just about anyone who speaks (not necessarily English) and carries a clipboard. 
I’ve stopped taking my car to the dealership for oil changes to avoid being descended upon by the chump whisperers, AKA car salesmen. Twice now, I have taken my car in for an oil change only to drive off the lot in a new car. What’s even more humiliating is that I actually paid for the oil change the first time. What a lesson that was. The second time it happened, I absolutely refused to pay for the oil change on my trade in.
Two years ago, I went to a well-known dance studio just to brush up on my east coast swing and was held hostage in a sales room by two salesmen. I literally had to dance my way out. I ended up signing up for the platinum package which included learning the dances from the Italian renaissance, Baroque, Victorian Era and 19th and 20th century dances. I learned to dance the Waltz, Gallop, Polka, Schottische, Fox Trot, Horse Trot, Kangaroo Hop, Duck Waddle, Squirrel, Chicken Scratch, Turkey Trot, Grizzly Bear, Castle Walk and Maxixe. I’m still waiting to hear back from Animal Planet regarding that guest appearance. 
I don’t go to the mall anymore because it takes too much energy to walk past the kiosks offering jewelry, photos on mugs, sunglasses and dollar-a-minute massage. One word, one smile, one wave, pulls me in like the gravitational draw of the earth on the moon. I get trapped in a dimple of time and space, orbit a few turns and predictably land to make the purchase.
Last year, I took a workshop in assertiveness training in hopes to learn to say no to salespeople. What I didn’t realize is all I really needed to do is study the interaction between the sun and human influences. No kidding. The medical community has known for decades that positive airborne ions increase human moods and activity.
A.L. Tchijevsky, a Russian professor of Astronomy and Biological Physics, noticed that 80% of the most significant human events occurred during maximum sunspot activity. The solar connection to terrestrial events has been studied by scientists for decades but only recently has the focus been put on the effects that solar cycles have on human behavior.
Armed with this valuable knowledge, I am able to coordinate my activities with the aid of this fantastic new sensor I purchased. This sun monitoring system or, D.U.M. (Detecting Ultraviolet Meter) has a compact design, ultra low frequencies, and will monitor geomagnetic pulsations to alert me of solar flares (sunspots) which lower my resistance to sales pitches. You might be interested to know that we are at the beginning of  Solar Cycle 24, which will increase over the next four to six years. It is my responsibility to interpret this information and respond in the most logical way. I figure it won’t be safe for me to subject myself to potential sales threats until the year 2017.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Bad Feng Shui, or Chronic Disorganization?

Before tackling anything as critical as changing the pure energy surrounding me, I thought it wise to expand my knowledge and contemplate the concepts and practices of a 3,000 year-old science (Feng Shui), i.e. Eastern approach, or a more left-brained method offered by The National Association of Professional Organizers (NAPO), i.e. Western approach.
Feng Shui teaches that by the simple act of moving stuff around, a door will open. I found this to be absolutely true. I haven’t been able to open my back door for months. Once I moved several cartons filled with stuff intended for Goodwill, the door swung open freely.
NAPO insists that my clutter is not my fault. I like that concept. They explain that we do what our parents did, but they never had to deal with everything we have to deal with today. I agree. It is my parents’ fault that my sanity was stolen right from under my nose. Now I have plenty of clutter but no sanity!
Feng Shui teaches that clutter is natural. I like that concept too. After all, nature loves clutter. Look at the stuff that drops from trees and blows around in the wind. Animals shed, birds molt and snakes wriggle out of their old dead skin and just leave it there to rot instead of folding it up neatly and putting it in the hamper.
NAPO insists that we are not born organized and is not something we have in our blood. Actually, I have x-rays to prove that in my developmental stage, my umbilical cord was spooled and hung neatly on a mounting bracket. I instinctually knew that this would draw in more confidence and opportunities. I’m not sure when I lost the God-given gift of tidiness, but at least I know I have the capacity.
NAPO also says we own too much stuff and have too little time to deal with it. We get thousands of pieces of mail, bills and paper piling up while we sleep. This is frightening to me. The thought of something of this magnitude taking place while I’m lying unprotected in my bed unnerves me. All this time, I thought I was losing weight and earning money while I sleep.
There is way more information about this subject than I thought.  I will have to continue my research to choose the most effective method of de-cluttering, getting organized and changing my energy flow. Obviously, postponing the activity is the only course of action until more information is collected.