Nefarious Schmarious

I read an article from the Associated Press last week reporting that in Somerville, Mass, there is a growing popularity in competitive lockpicking. It seems this “Locksport” provides the intellectual thrill of analyzing locks and finding ways of opening them quickly without destroying them. Locksport fans compete to be the fastest lock picker and they have an even more challenging contest called, Locksport Wizard, involving a burlap sack, a set of identical locks, and a few odd tools provided to blindly pick them with. Lockpicking has become so popular that a US chapter of The Open Organization Of Lockpickers has been formed…otherwise known as TOOOL.

I have absolutely nothing against nerds. I am one. And I sometimes slip into the category of gullible, but I can’t believe that everyone who is participating in this sport is a mere puzzle solver. Is it possible that criminals are getting a free education in picking? In my day, and I never thought I would live long enough to use that phrase, if someone said their hobby was picking, I immediately assumed they played the guitar or banjo. Whatever happened to the masterly art of playing chess? Where have all the whittlers gone? Any bird watchers left? Embroidering? How about Origami or making model cars?

I say, if we are going to change up our interests in a pestilential way, let’s do it right! Why don’t we make this an Olympic sport? In fact, I think it would benefit the general population for our lawbreakers to hone their skills. I mean, how many times has an innocent bystander been injured or killed by a drive-by shooting? Bad shooting is to blame for these tragedies. Practice makes perfect. Maybe we should have an Olympic drive-by event that is judged by efficiency and accuracy. Or, how about relay purse-snatching? Weapon carving? We could develop team events like, prison break and looting. Top them all off with the, Tri-Athelimb Decapathon, involving bomb building, placement and detonation.

I admit my humor is dryer than a popcorn fart, and when I read things like this, my inner sarcasm breaks out and runs freely with the wind in its hair. That’s my hobby though, sarcasm. True, carping, salty, ornery, sardonic, smart-alecky, weisenheiming, sarcasm. Wish they would make that an Olympic event too.