When I Say No I Feel Swell

Me: I just don’t want to feel disrespected anymore, doctor Weakly.
Dr. Weakly: We know that feelings aren’t facts, don’t we?
Me: As a matter of fact, just this morning, a woman pushed her way in line directly in front of me at the store.
Dr. Weakly: What did you say to her?
Me: I told her if she didn’t go to the end of the line, I would hit her so hard her dog would bleed.
Dr. Weakly: Don’t you think that was an extreme reaction to someone who cut in line?
Me: Don’t you think a 95 year-old woman should know not to cut in line? At least her seeing-eye dog should know.
Dr. Weakly: Do you always should on people?
Me: No, not always, sometimes I coulda woulda on them too.
Dr. Weakly: Do you have another example of being disrespected?
Me: I went to a department store last week-end, when an army of police marched in and cordoned off the area I was in. I was sent to a holding area and waited for hours.
Dr. Weakly: Were you by yourself?
Me: God no. There were hundreds of us. We were packed in like cattle. They said we would have to wait until 9am to take advantage of the sale.
Dr. Weakly: I’m wondering, did your parents ever instruct you in the fine art of simple manners?
Me: Manners?! What do manners have to do with the basic respect that should be extended to everyone, including me?
Dr. Weakly: My mother forced me to read Emily Post’s book of etiquette when I was fourteen years old. I will always be grateful.
Me: Emily Post? Oh yeah, I heard of her, the hostest with the mostest. She wrote all kinds of manner pornography in the early 1900’s.
Dr. Weakly: Pornography?
Me: It may as well have been. Were manners present in her life? Did you know that she divorced her husband in 1905 for having affairs with chorus girls and actresses? I guess he didn’t read her article on proper marriage etiquette, now did he?
Dr. Weakly: Maybe we should go over a few basic simple manners to separate out the difference between disrespect and ignorance.
Me: Are you calling me ignorant?
Dr. Weakly: No, what I’m saying is most people are ignorant of good manners and this may be mistaken for disrespect.
Me: Give me an example.
Dr. Weakly: For example, don’t use filthy language or tell off color jokes.
Me: Have I ever? I mean…
Dr. Weakly: Don’t greet a co-worker with the question, how they hangin’?
Me: But…
Dr. Weakly: Don’t interrupt others.
Me: I wouldn’t…
Dr. Weakly: And when dining in the company of others, cut your meat with your fork in your left hand and the knife in the right, put your knife down, switch your fork to the right hand before putting the undersized bite in your mouth. Many years ago, a girl I dated broke up with me for not passing the fork test. And the belching! Judas Priest, I shall never forgive myself.
Me: Wow, and I thought I was sensitive. You know, in the Far East, belching is considered a compliment to the chef.
Dr. Weakly: She was right to leave me! Oh, God, how I wished I had paid more attention to Emily Post!
Me: I can appreciate your regret, but what does this have to do with me feeling respected? I really think manners are subjective. I have a friend whose boyfriend insists on walking on the outside of the sidewalk to protect her from mud splashes. Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to protect her when a mugger lunged out from between buildings and snatched her purse.
Dr. Weakly: What I am saying is that everything is connected, Unfortunately, consequences are not always easy to see. It's like stretching a rubber band. As you stretch the rubber band further and further, the tension increases, but nothing seems to happen, so you think that nothing ever will. Then, suddenly, the rubber reaches its limit. It burns when it snaps.
Me: I think I would have understood your words without you shooting me with that rubber band, and the paper clip you attached to it really hurt.
Dr. Weakly: With experience comes great wisdom.
Me: I see. So, you’re saying if I improve my manners, I will understand that relationships form for our mutual becoming. Lives intermesh, thoughts and feelings intermingle. Events influence one another and the relationships we share are like the bits of color in a painting, affected by all the surrounding hues?
Dr. Weakly: No, what I’m saying is, if you hold your fork in the wrong hand and belch after you eat, you may regret it for the rest of your life.

EXPERIENCING THE ASS

Germany has developed a unique device, actually a suit, which is an Age Simulator System, or ASS for those who enjoy acronyms. It is thought that this suit will help young designers of electrical appliances, cars and medical equipment improve designs by being made aware of the specific difficulties of those in their autumn years. God forbid we say the ‘O’ word. Old, old, old, old…there, I said it, thrice.

The suit has weights sewn in at various points to simulate heaviness, built-in ear muffs to decrease hearing and the helmet has a visor that restricts the line of vision and wraps it in a dull yellowish tinge. A quote from one of the first to try the suit was, “Just crossing the street was an adventure, sitting down on a bench was a pain and getting up was exhausting.” A twenty-three-year-old explained that the joints in the suit deliberately stiffened, preventing her from getting her leg over a bike. Yet another said he fumbled around in pain as he reached for his wallet, with the gloves pricking his hands at every moment. I’ll bet they were happy to have their ASS fall off. The price of this suit wasn’t mentioned, but I’m sure with all the features mentioned, it’s not cheap.

Why is it so important for us to know what it feels like to be old? How would experiencing ten minutes in any kind of simulation help us to be kinder people? Shouldn’t we be kind and make things easier just because we should?

I think the ASS was developed so we won’t be afraid to grow old…to die. We will you know, grow old before we die, if we are lucky. There are ways to know what it feels like to be old without spending vast amounts of money. Here are a few exercises that I guarantee will simulate the natural aging process.

• Go to the nearest sleep gallery, jump up on the bed closest to you and try to prance around the room by jumping from bed to bed. Be sure to keep your knees bent when crossing over the water beds. Two times around the room should give you a good idea of what arthritis in the knee joints feels like.

• Next time you’re at a Grand Opening, stare into the spotlight they have roving the sky. I would suggest a good thirty minutes as the perfect amount of time to experience the reduced vision associated with cataracts.

• Drink several 32 oz. beverages, but don’t go to the bathroom. Go to a comedy show. This will simulate incontinence, believe me.

• Ask a friend to stand behind you, place an air horn against the back of your head, and blow it for one full minute. If performed correctly, this will replicate the major hearing loss that most elderly people experience. It may take some time to recover from this test, be patient.

• Fill a large wading pool with water. Run as fast as you can through the water several times around the circumference. This test is for experiencing the feeling one gets from standing up too quickly. Be sure to wear rubber sole deck shoes, the pool bottom will be slippery. If you fall, you may hit your head on a sprinkler head and that would be the self-induced coma simulator for those who are curious as to what that feels like.

Let’s not be afraid of the natural wearing out process. Thumb your nose at death, go ahead, it is fun. I have laughed in the face of death (even after eating garlic), had brushes with him, flirted with him and even gone so far as to give him a lap dance. See? I’m okay.

The only thing that really bothers me about aging is that I seem to be shrinking and now I have more weight to lose than I thought.

Baby Ka Boomers, Wake Up And Smell The Coffin

I Know the title of this blog is a bit shocking, but I just finished reading my hometown magazine and I was aghast at the amount of advertisements there were for cosmetic surgery. I almost feel like a big fat failure, due to the all too obvious consequences of my normal aging process. Not to mention, I am down to my last feminine wile. Please don't ask me which one, I have forgotten and misplaced it as well.

When, as a society, did we place so much more importance in how something or someone looks rather than who they are? Maybe it has always been this way, but I believe we're way over the edge. Gone are the days of successful aging, or being revered for being rich with experience. The elderly are no longer turned to for their wisdom or worldliness, but sadly reduced to a 20% discount and considered a second-class citizen.

Want to know who I blame? Car manufacturers! That's who! Notice how the names they give cars reflect the way society behaves? We started out with the model T and the Model A. Simple, timeless, and absolutely no underlying message. Then came the nouns. Viva, Previa, Nova, Probe, symbolizing reaching out. Animal names became popular. Mustang, Colt, Durango, Falcon, Impala, Cougar. GRRRRIP the road! Go for the jugular! Names morphed into a sort of lifestyle. Land Rover, Dakota, Yukon, Tahoe, Tacoma, projecting adventure and ambiance. The biggest culprits are, Infiniti, 5th Avenue and Park Avenue, whether you're playing Monopoly or driving a car, the message is the same...larger than life, rich, and beautiful.

I would like to recommend some no-nonsense, down-to-earth names for cars that actually tell it like it is. No sugar coating, just the unvarnished truth and then let's just see where it takes us. Hopefully, our addiction to outer appearances will begin to diminish and we can relax into our comfortable wrinkled bodies and instead, work to expand our spirit.

How about:

Ford Derelict – The main function of this utility vehicle is to drive you to drink. Navigation is performed solely on Bott dots, as tires collect cognizant and constant feedback from the lines on the road. Deluxe interior features include, thirty-three cup holders with automatic lid capabilities, to avoid violating open container laws, driver’s sun visor is equipped with detachable eye patch, to eliminate double vision when inebriated, dual function windshield wiper fluid/beverage storage, with toggle switch, to wash windows or serve your favorite beverage to the central cup holder directly from the fluid well. Lush, leather interior, is available in champagne beige or burgundy red.

Mid-life Chrysler – Youthful design and enough power to take you from sixty to hero in six point five seconds. Equipped with a younger, fitter, replica of your spouse or, if you prefer, a current rock or movie starlet. Complete with soft-focus mirrors behind the sun visors and also on rear view mirror to blur those pesky wrinkles. Satellite navigation is pre-programmed with younger crowd night spots. On-board slang dictionary is constantly updated to include the latest terminology. Inset moisturizing and anti-wrinkle lotion dispensers in each door and bucket seats with Mesotherapy to eliminate cellulite. Handy overhead botox dispenser will keep frown lines from forming due to road rage. (we should have at least one model to maintain our vanity).

Dyslexis SL – Whatever car you currently drive, this model is the exact opposite. Left is right and right is left. Or is it the other way around? As a bonus, this model, will automatically and without notification, backtrack to correct directional miscalculations. Speedometer begins at 120 mph and ends at zero. Luxury signage transposer, will photograph and flip the image of any road sign in as little as five seconds. A lavish treat for any driver suffering from Dysleiax…Dsylexi…Dyslexia.

Oldsmobile Bulimia – Don’t let Consumer Reports frighten you away from this vehicle. Once a portion of all fluids have been purged from the engine, this little roadster has very few rivals. Suspended fluid pan protects garage and driveway surfaces from stains and corrosion. Flushed fluids are fully recyclable. This model is light on its wheels and sport tuned. Actual mileage may vary.

Dodge A.D.D. – The perfect vehicle for, on-the-go, inner city driving. Optimal performance limited to short trips. If longer excursions are necessary, the battery cables can be re-routed to stun the engine at five minute intervals to prompt responsiveness. Stereo scans available music stations every 10 to 20 seconds and is programmed to jump from news-to-news broadcasts every 15 seconds. Turning signals and windshield wipers tend to activate before being initiated. Caution: This model is known to have trouble executing turns and tends to rev the engine without notice.

Just my 2 cents.

Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in FarmVille

Dr. Weakly has been studying my mind diligently for over a year, and has decided that it may be interesting enough to write about. He says, if I am willing to participate, there is a good possibility that he will be nominated for the Distinguished Scientist award. The annual conference will be held in October this year, at Minneapolis City Center Marriott. I agreed to participate immediately, if only to visit an exotic location like, Minneapolis, and I hear the Marriott’s are fantastic.

This week, our study was narrowed down to researching insight as the product of internal processes. Doctor Weakly is determined to find out if some of my bright ideas are inspired by cultural artifacts, external objects or perhaps secretly implanted by aliens while I am sleeping. I told him that the alien theory is not possible since, for the last ten years, I have been sleeping with a thought screening helmet that I fashioned from a 1920’s flapper hat and lined it with Velostat. I found instructions on an Internet website that provided potential abductees the sorely needed defense against telepathic wars being waged by evil doing aliens. I agreed to bring my helmet to our next session so he could examine it.

Dr Weakly also asked me to sit in a darkened room, actually I think it was his broom closet, for an hour, which was the length of an entire session. I sat in the straight-back wooden chair and stared into a 60 watt light bulb hanging at eye level. Dr. Weakly explained that the light bulb is an external object that is imbued with learned meaning. He gave me a pad of paper and asked me to attempt to answer an unsolved mathematical question, do odd perfect numbers exist?

I stared into the light bulb for a full fifty-eight minutes before writing the sentence, since it is people who have determined that numbers are even or odd, all numbers are perfect. We must not allow other people’s opinions to color our self image. Numbers needn’t feel as if they are odd just because they have been labeled as such. They are not odd. They are just numbers.

My confident smile disappeared when Dr. Weakly’s eyebrows flew up after reading my answer. He glared at me and explained that the mathematical question he gave me involved positive integers, restricted divisor function and proper divisors. “The first few perfect numbers are, six, twenty-eight, four hundred ninety-six and eight thousand one hundred twenty-eight,” he said. “Anyone with half a brain knows that.” I willed myself to stop crying once he had finished his twenty minute lecture on comprehending the English language. At least he was kind enough to drive me home. It took a full three days for my retinas to recover from the experience. Thankfully, the blob I was seeing has gone from forest green to cyan and I have assurance from my Ophthalmologist that my color blindness will correct itself in time.

I woke up early this morning and was excited about an insight I had received during my REM cycle. It wasn’t alien in nature, and it seemed to agree with Dr. Weakly’s theory about cultural artifacts acting as a catalyst for insight. I realized that everything of value that I have learned in the last year is due to playing FarmVille!

This insight was as exciting as the realization I had when I read, The Introvert Advantage, by Marti Olsen Laney. I took her test and found I was 98% introvert. It was as if someone opened my mental jail cell and let me out. I learned that my neurotransmitters are set up differently than those of an extrovert. In the words of Temple Grandin, “I’m different…not less.” Be still my happy heart!

FarmVille has taught me that you can’t put two bulls in one dairy farm. How insightful is that? Helping your neighbor often brings gifts, the golden rule no less. Never plow and plant at the same time, it takes too long. With experience come large tanks of gas. I’m sure we can all agree on that. Just because I never heard of Patty pan Squash doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Manuel harvesting can lead to index finger cramping from clicking the mouse. I’m thinking of buying an index finger glove. If you don’t set your livestock to ‘stay’, they will run away. Too bad there isn’t a real setting for children and husbands. You can mute the farm noises if they make you crazy. Again, wouldn’t this be a nice feature to use on the neighbor’s barking dogs and annoying people? Make the most use of the size farm that you have, parcel constraints must be considered. It doesn’t matter how many houses you own, you will still be standing in the middle of your crops when you return to the game. It’s much easier to plow, plant and harvest if you use the proper equipment. Putting all your chickens in one coop will save you loads of time when collecting eggs. Stabilizing your horses is a good idea. Dairy farms bring in big ‘Moola’. Pea crops are the most lucrative. Peas on earth is the lesson here. Holidays in FarmVille last much longer than one day. Something we should all practice. Always honor a neighbor’s request. You can find just as much fertilizer on your Facebook home page as you will find in FarmVille.

And last, but not least, I have found a wonderful secret for leveling up faster. Sorry, I will keep that one to myself. I don’t want Dr. Weakly, who has ten times more FarmVille cash than I do to get ahead of me.

Buyers Remorse? Don’t Worry…You’ll Be Okay

I have a friend who absolutely refuses to buy a microwave oven. She actually believes that they aren’t good for your health. Silly girl. She has not, to her knowledge, been exposed to the psychotelemetric influence. Of course, if she or anyone has ever sent food back to a restaurant kitchen because it wasn’t warm enough, has experienced the joy of eating microwaved food.

I asked her, “Do you actually believe there is a conspiracy that has formed, plotting to mass kill people via their household appliances?”

“No,” she said, “It’s not a conspiracy, it’s just ignorance, greed for business, and negligence”.

I thought, if she is right, practically everyone on planet Earth should be gravely ill or have mental retardation. Shock began to set in, but I consoled myself with the rationalization that newspaper headlines are the only thing confirming this.

I decided to do a little research on the subject to enlighten her. Surely, science has found some redeeming value to microwave ovens. Sadly, my research has proven her right, or perhaps partially right, maybe having a sliver of truth to it, or damn it, it’s just her harebrained opinion. Besides, you can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.

What I found was long-term exposure to microwave transmissions can cause loss of memory, concentration, emotional instability, and a decrease of intelligence. It seems that microwave transmissions actually ‘short out’ electrical impulses in the brain. It causes a breakdown of the human “life-energy field”, in other words, it messes with your Chi.

This brought to mind my recent visit to a Del Taco drive-thru. In a louder than necessary voice, I ordered a long list of items from the El Pollo Loco menu. You can imagine my frustration when the employee questioned my selections. This could be a sign of a decrease in intelligence on my part (or hers), and also a display of emotional instability, since I threatened to call 911 when she refused to fill my order.

I began to wonder if my suppressed emotional threshold, slowing of intellectual processes and interrupted sleep had anything to do with the heating of my lima bean-tater tot casseroles. Since I am not conducting an official poll as to possible side-effects other households may be experiencing, I only have my own knowledge to supply information and I don’t own a dose meter to measure microwaves.

Not long ago, it was suggested to me that I have a self-absorbed nature. “It’s not that you think too highly of yourself, or too little of yourself, but that you think constantly of yourself. You are just too full of yourself”… but, who else would you be filled with, if not yourself?

Further Internet meanderings directed me to other warnings like, air fresheners that foul the air, causing severe pulmonary and sensory irritation, our water supply is sterilizing men because of the number of women peeing out the residue of the birth control pills, and the most recent warning issued by Samsung, that 3D tv’s may cause, altered vision, involuntary eye-muscle twitching, disorientation, nausea, cramps and convulsions.

I can only imagine future generations laughing while they say, “Can you believe they stood directly in front of the microwave and watched the food go round and round?”

Still, I have to admit, a lack of knowledge regarding these topics is totally possible. Take for example, the atomic testing performed in the ‘50’s. Las Vegas became a tourist attraction. Mushroom clouds could be viewed from downtown hotels. My parents and their friends were among the tourists who witnessed these ‘beautiful’ billows. They didn’t know it was hazardous. All four developed cancer later in life, but that could have happened anyway.

My parents were in their forties when I was born. I often ask, “What do you get when you cross a wrinkly, old, radiation-exposed egg with a sperm infested with radiation and predisposed syndromes?”
“ME!”

Acronymphomaina

As you know, I have been working with Dr. Neil Weakly to improve my self-esteem, social skills and behavior difficulties. After extensive discussions, psychological testing and a brain scan, Dr. Weakly is convinced that I am to some extent mentally handicapped. As difficult as it was for Dr. Weakly to deliver this diagnosis, it was equally difficult for me to hear it. Nevertheless, similar to photos, tests don’t lie.

Take for example the fact that as a child, I had much difficulty integrating myself with other children. Debbie Pratt, my childhood nemesis, made an indelible impression on me by pushing me down and throwing my sister’s, hand-me-down, gold vinyl purse with a top lift latch, into a trash dumpster. Dr. Weakly believes this event is at the root of my inability, despite my high cognitive potential, to experience empathy for others.

I have to admit, there are times when, during a rousing bridal shower, my mind wanders off to how many origami figures could be folded with the discarded gift wrappings or if I remembered to drop off my dry cleaning. This unquestioningly detracts from my empathy for the bride. My boyfriend thinks that my remoteness is due to my two divorces, but he isn’t a doctor, and I think I should have displayed more involvement in the most recent, ‘what’s in the bag?’ bridal shower game. I hadn’t even noticed that I won because I was the only guest who carries a flashlight and a hammer in my purse.

Dr. Weakly asked me if I had ever heard of Asperger Syndrome. He explained that children with AS have an unusually sophisticated vocabulary at a young age and have been called, ‘little professors’. I told him that my first words were, “do you need me to do anything for you?” and was labeled, ‘little stinker’, so I don’t seem to fall into that category. I do however display many of the symptoms that accompany the following syndromes, ADHD, OCD, MPD, SAD, CDGS, DH, EBD, MDD and RAD. I’m thinking of having them printed on my business card.

Could I possibly have Asperger’s Syndrome? It is unmistakable that I carry the family’s genetic code which caused my grandmother to become distressingly confused by sliding doors, hinged doors and revolving doors. My mother made only right hand turns when driving, no matter where she was going and my father was most adept at delivering compliments that would inevitably come out as an insult. I have to admit, he was psychic though. Whenever there was an accident like spilled milk or one of us tripping over a shoe skate, he always said, “I knew that was going to happen.”

I kept glancing at the folder containing pictures of my brain scan on my drive home from Dr. Weakly’s. I wondered about the severity of my impairment and if I would ever be able to feel comfortable in my own skin. I flipped my sun visor down and gazed at my face, strikingly void of emotion. That is, until I nearly rear ended the car stopped at the light in front of me. I don’t think I’ll ever erase the reflection of the half-chewed Snickers bar in my mouth as I screamed.

It was the conversation that I had with my boyfriend, BJ, when I came home that confused me the most. He doesn’t agree with Dr. Weakly’s diagnosis and believes I should seek another opinion. Our conversation went something like this:

BJ: How was your session?
Me: I’m autistic.
BJ: Since when?
Me: Always, I guess.
BJ: Did that quack tell you that?
Me: Dr. Weakly is not a quack.
BJ: I don’t believe you’re autistic.
Me: I repeat things.
BJ: Lots of people do that.
Me: Okay, but when I was born I had seizures for the first few weeks.
BJ: You remember that?
Me: No, my mom told me.
BJ: What else?
Me: I was a head banger.
BJ: A what?
Me: When I was a toddler, I used to bang the back of my head on the couch, over and over and over.
BJ: Why did you do that?
Me: I dunno, I guess it made me feel better.
BJ: I still don’t believe you’re autistic.
I held up the file containing the pictures of my brain.
Me: Then explain this. I pulled out the scans and showed him.
The left side, the logical side of my brain, hasn’t even updated the Walmart logo from 2008, as Dr. Weakly pointed out.
BJ laughed. This is what he based your diagnosis on? I think the MD behind his name stands for ‘Mental Disorder’.
Me: He has PhD behind his name.
BJ: Yeah, piled higher and deeper.
Me: I think you would be convinced if you saw the results of my tests. They prove I have a multiple of syndromes. I swear, acronyms are me!
BJ: OK, you can believe Dr. Quack, but I don’t think you’re any different than anyone else.
Me: Oh yeah? Even my boyfriend is an acronym!

Sitting There With Vague On My Face

The art of using lots of words without saying anything in particular is quite useful. I have to admit I haven’t mastered the art, but I do appreciate it when I run across it…well, not run, but maybe walk briskly, I don’t have enough energy to run.

My latest example was a response from a vendor that the company I work for deals with. The question was, “Can you tell me when our order will ship?” The following is their reply sent via e-mail.

Hello Venita,

Your P.O. 55437 is estimated to ship within 3-6 business days. We have a 24 hour turn over rate policy and we have item #4873 in stock at all times. But because your order is custom (we ask them to tape the inner box shut), we can take a little longer to ship in regards to our policy.

Usually your orders arrive to you in a timely manner , between 2 and 3 weeks, because of the particular product you order. My point is, that you never know for sure when your orders are estimated to ship. I would like to change your account to where you’ll receive your future invoices via email. If we can do that, you will receive your invoice the very day that your order ships. For one, you’d know if your order has/hasn’t shipped, and two, we provide tracking information on the bottom of our invoices so you could track your order. Of course, this feature is ONLY available for UPS ground shipments.

Would you like me to set your account up that way using this email address? If you prefer a physical invoice in the mail, that is perfectly fine, of course your order may arrive before the invoice.

About 87% of our customers have converted to paperless business. If you've already got an important bit of paperwork in your hand but you want to digitize it, you need a good document scanner. I'm still loving my Fujitsu ScanSnap, a portable document scanner that I bust out for contracts, legal agreements, and other already-in-paper-form documents. Jaksa advises putting everything from individual business information and forms to maps and newsletters in PDF format, which is compatible with any computer. Users can enter the information directly onto the PDF, and then it can be sent to be a database.

Of course, you are always welcome to contact me anytime to check up on your orders as well to get a roughly estimated ship date! Thanks, Venita, have a great rest of the week!

Warm Regards,
Marcia Grand x 100