Saturday, April 17, 2010

Buyers Remorse? Don’t Worry…You’ll Be Okay

I have a friend who absolutely refuses to buy a microwave oven. She actually believes that they aren’t good for your health. Silly girl. She has not, to her knowledge, been exposed to the psychotelemetric influence. Of course, if she or anyone has ever sent food back to a restaurant kitchen because it wasn’t warm enough, has experienced the joy of eating microwaved food.

I asked her, “Do you actually believe there is a conspiracy that has formed, plotting to mass kill people via their household appliances?”

“No,” she said, “It’s not a conspiracy, it’s just ignorance, greed for business, and negligence”.

I thought, if she is right, practically everyone on planet Earth should be gravely ill or have mental retardation. Shock began to set in, but I consoled myself with the rationalization that newspaper headlines are the only thing confirming this.

I decided to do a little research on the subject to enlighten her. Surely, science has found some redeeming value to microwave ovens. Sadly, my research has proven her right, or perhaps partially right, maybe having a sliver of truth to it, or damn it, it’s just her harebrained opinion. Besides, you can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.

What I found was long-term exposure to microwave transmissions can cause loss of memory, concentration, emotional instability, and a decrease of intelligence. It seems that microwave transmissions actually ‘short out’ electrical impulses in the brain. It causes a breakdown of the human “life-energy field”, in other words, it messes with your Chi.

This brought to mind my recent visit to a Del Taco drive-thru. In a louder than necessary voice, I ordered a long list of items from the El Pollo Loco menu. You can imagine my frustration when the employee questioned my selections. This could be a sign of a decrease in intelligence on my part (or hers), and also a display of emotional instability, since I threatened to call 911 when she refused to fill my order.

I began to wonder if my suppressed emotional threshold, slowing of intellectual processes and interrupted sleep had anything to do with the heating of my lima bean-tater tot casseroles. Since I am not conducting an official poll as to possible side-effects other households may be experiencing, I only have my own knowledge to supply information and I don’t own a dose meter to measure microwaves.

Not long ago, it was suggested to me that I have a self-absorbed nature. “It’s not that you think too highly of yourself, or too little of yourself, but that you think constantly of yourself. You are just too full of yourself”… but, who else would you be filled with, if not yourself?

Further Internet meanderings directed me to other warnings like, air fresheners that foul the air, causing severe pulmonary and sensory irritation, our water supply is sterilizing men because of the number of women peeing out the residue of the birth control pills, and the most recent warning issued by Samsung, that 3D tv’s may cause, altered vision, involuntary eye-muscle twitching, disorientation, nausea, cramps and convulsions.

I can only imagine future generations laughing while they say, “Can you believe they stood directly in front of the microwave and watched the food go round and round?”

Still, I have to admit, a lack of knowledge regarding these topics is totally possible. Take for example, the atomic testing performed in the ‘50’s. Las Vegas became a tourist attraction. Mushroom clouds could be viewed from downtown hotels. My parents and their friends were among the tourists who witnessed these ‘beautiful’ billows. They didn’t know it was hazardous. All four developed cancer later in life, but that could have happened anyway.

My parents were in their forties when I was born. I often ask, “What do you get when you cross a wrinkly, old, radiation-exposed egg with a sperm infested with radiation and predisposed syndromes?”

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