Making Progress With Dr. Weakly

Here is the latest transcript of my session with Dr. Weakly. As you can see I am making wonderful progress.

Me: I just don’t want to feel disrespected anymore, doctor Weakly.

Dr. Weakly: We know that feelings aren’t facts, don’t we?

Me: As a matter of fact, just this morning, a woman pushed her way in line directly in front of me at the store.

Dr. Weakly: What did you say to her?

Me: I told her if she didn’t go to the end of the line, I would hit her so hard her dog would bleed.

Dr. Weakly: Don’t you think that was an extreme reaction to someone who cut in line?

Me: Don’t you think a 95 year-old woman should know not to cut in line? At least her seeing-eye dog should know.

Dr. Weakly: Do you always should on people?

Me: No, not always, sometimes I coulda woulda on them too.

Dr. Weakly: Do you have another example of being disrespected?

Me: I went to a department store last week-end, when an army of police marched in and cordoned off the area I was in. I was sent to a holding area and waited for hours.

Dr. Weakly: Were you by yourself?

Me: God no. There were hundreds of us. We were packed in like cattle. They said we would have to wait until 9am to take advantage of the sale.

Dr. Weakly: I’m wondering, did your parents ever instruct you in the fine art of simple manners?

Me: Manners?! What do manners have to do with the basic respect that should be extended to everyone, including me?

Dr. Weakly: My mother forced me to read Emily Post’s book of etiquette when I was fourteen years old. I will always be grateful.

Me: Emily Post? Oh yeah, I heard of her, the hostest with the mostest. She wrote all kinds of manner pornography in the early 1900’s.

Dr. Weakly: Pornography?

Me: It may as well have been. Were manners present in her life? Did you know that she divorced her husband in 1905 for having affairs with chorus girls and actresses? I guess he didn’t read her article on proper marriage etiquette, now did he?

Dr. Weakly: Maybe we should go over a few basic simple manners to separate out the difference between disrespect and ignorance.

Me: Are you calling me ignorant?

Dr. Weakly: No, what I’m saying is most people are ignorant of good manners and this may be mistaken for disrespect.

Me: Give me an example.

Dr. Weakly: For example, don’t use filthy language or tell off color jokes.

Me: Have I ever? I mean…

Dr. Weakly: Don’t greet a co-worker with the question, how they hangin’?

Me: But…

Dr. Weakly: Don’t interrupt others.

Me: I wouldn’t…

Dr. Weakly: And when dining in the company of others, cut your meat with your fork in your left hand and the knife in the right, put your knife down, switch your fork to the right hand before putting the undersized bite in your mouth. Many years ago, a girl I dated broke up with me for not passing the fork test. And the belching! Judas Priest, I shall never forgive myself.

Me: Wow, and I thought I was sensitive. You know, in the Far East, belching is considered a compliment to the chef.

Dr. Weakly: She was right to leave me! Oh, God, how I wished I had paid more attention to Emily Post!

Me: I can appreciate your regret, but what does this have to do with me feeling respected? I really think manners are subjective. I have a friend whose boyfriend insists on walking on the outside of the sidewalk to protect her from mud splashes. Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to protect her when a mugger lunged out from between buildings and snatched her purse.

Dr. Weakly: What I am saying is that everything is connected, Unfortunately, consequences are not always easy to see. It's like stretching a rubber band. As you stretch the rubber band further and further, the tension increases, but nothing seems to happen, so you think that nothing ever will. Then, suddenly, the rubber reaches its limit. It burns when it snaps.

Me: I think I would have understood your words without you shooting me with that rubber band, and the paper clip you attached to it really hurt.

Dr. Weakly: With experience comes great wisdom.

Me: I see. So, you’re saying if I improve my manners, I will understand that relationships form for our mutual becoming. Lives intermesh, thoughts and feelings intermingle. Events influence one another and the relationships we share are like the bits of color in a painting, affected by all the surrounding hues?

Dr. Weakly: No, what I’m saying is, if you hold your fork in the wrong hand and belch after you eat, you may regret it for the rest of your life.

Building Self-Esteem with my bare hands and Dr. Weakly

It’s time to get down to brass tacks and find out why I keep shooting myself in the emotional foot. I want to address my neurosis once and for all. It’s time to do away with low self-esteem and repression and begin to feel good about myself. Since I like people, 28 % of the time, and I consider myself public-spirited, I have decided to share my process with anyone it may benefit.

Following are the actual transcripts of my recent visit with my Psychiatrist, Dr. Neil Weakly:

Dr. Weakly: Let’s assume your self-esteem is just not what it needs to be right now.

Me: I think we can safely assume that.

Dr. Weakly: There are a few things you can do to improve your self-esteem.

Me: That’s why I’m here.

Dr. Weakly: What we have to do is get you to put on your self-esteem colored glasses, set goals that will make your life a wondrous adventure and weed out those deep-rooted inadequate self-conceptions. You must believe that you can rid yourself of that debilitating anxiety and self-defeating behavior. You may not even be a person that people enjoy being around. You’re probably disorganized and don’t manage your time well. You may sit quietly and let other people do all the talking. This could literally put you in a position that is one mishap or stupid decision away from a complete emotional breakdown or worse. You’re not alone. I have many patients who look down and think how skinny their legs are. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of people are short but they don’t let that interfere with their self-image. Compared to successful people, you may feel as if your life is insignificant, but being indecisive isn’t as serious as you may think. If you continue to believe that you aren’t an attractive woman, you’re a sitting duck for any neurosis.

Me: (Crying) But what can I do about this horrible mess that I am?

Dr. Weakly: Now see? Stop referring to yourself as a mess. I mean, even if your hair is sort of a train wreck, and you have large pores and oily skin, you must acknowledge your strengths. Even though nothing you do is good enough, you mustn’t allow your past mistakes to haunt you or you will only impede your progress. Backing away and avoiding challenges has caused your self esteem muscles to become flabby. In fact, they’re downright pendulous. Fight back, even if you’re not worthy of praise.

Me: (Crying harder) Help me, doctor!

Dr. Weakly: I believe I can. You must begin to listen to your inner dialog. Are you telling yourself that you are a whiny little failure? Do you chide yourself for being lazy? Do you tell yourself that people are laughing at you behind your back? Do you think you have an odd odor about you? Do you lie awake at night counting your weaknesses and wishing you could think of one single talent that you possess?

Me: (Sobbing) Oh my God! I had no idea I was such a basket-case!

Dr. Weakly: (Frowning) Stop indulging yourself in this panic-stricken display of feebleness. I want you to take that flaccid excuse for a backbone and give it a stiffy. Get into the control booth of your mind and allow your thoughts to be the Viagra that will cause you to straighten up, erect and proud! No wonder you’re depressed, always acting helpless, unable to cope and just waiting for someone to come to your rescue. Have you spent your whole life looking for guidance from others? When are you going to accept that you’re not the idiot that you think you are? You’re not an imposter! You’re not stupid! You’re not always going to be alone! Get up off that floor and stand up!

Me: (Clutching his pant legs) Please! Tell me how to stop this insanity!

Dr. Weakly: (Looking at his watch) Our time is up. We can discuss a firm course of action next time