Sunday, June 29, 2014

Five Things I Don’t Want To Be Doing During An Earthquake

As a California resident I am reminded of the importance of earthquake preparedness on a daily basis. I know we are overdue and I do have certain items in place in case of emergency but the biggest danger is that you don’t know where you will be when it hits. It would be nice to have ample warning so you could get yourself to an open field because it isn’t the earthquake that injures people it’s falling objects.

Of course we all pray that we won’t be in an elevator, under the freeway overpass, in a sports stadium or in a bowling ball warehouse but yesterday I gave serious consideration to five things I would prefer not to be doing during an earthquake.  

1.     Getting a Mammogram. Believe it or not, I always ask the technician where the emergency release switch is. I can only imagine the tech running from the room as the shaking starts leaving me to ride out the quake with one breast trapped.

2.     At the Beauty Salon. Because I have those ‘natural’ highlights added to my hair the procedure makes me look like a missing person poster for a Reynolds Wrap employee. Running elbow to elbow with several other women donning layers of hair filled foil ravioli on our heads sounds like a joyless race to me.

3.     At the Dentist. Since I haven’t had a simple filling for many years, I would hate to be caught with my mouth propped open and a rubber dam isolating the thousand-dollar prep for the crown the dentist is putting in. Not to mention the Nitrous Oxide would severely inhibit my ability to run.

4.     Having a Flexible Sigmoidoscopy. Although the technician makes comments like, “you have a lovely colon,” and I always compare the procedure with gardening because it involves a hose, a droplight and a blower, it would be extremely embarrassing to leap from the table with the sigmoidoscope still deep in my bowels and blasts of air propelling my escape.

5.     In the ball bearing aisle of Home Depot browsing for the perfect replacement balls for my Magic Labyrinth game.  During an earthquake, getting to safety is the number one priority, I don’t want to be doing the Curly (The Three Stooges) shuffle in addition to running like a girl.

I know. I know. Earthquakes aren’t funny but that’s why I’m finding humor before it happens ‘cause there sure ain’t anything funny about the aftermath.

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