Fear of the Day in 3D

Newspapers, television and radio bombard us daily with tales of disaster, destruction and disease…the three D’s. I sometimes wonder if terror, the goal, is being created by the day after day bombardment of the media. Terrorists, yes that’s the word. Masters at creating first-class anxiety because the normal basic worries we all experience day to day are just not promising enough to produce the panic-making state of mind we are being taught to live in. Let’s face it; worrying about noises in the night, buying the right gift for someone, getting a speeding ticket, making a first impression or whether your breath is bad just doesn’t create the optimum trepidation necessary to survive in the twenty-first century.

The secret of being truly fearful is tackling the front page, the top of the hour or the CNN morning news. The Feds are trying to prepare for the imminent bird flu disaster, millions will die, NYC officials prepare for subway attack, thousands will die, countless illegal immigrants continue pouring over the borders leaving us more vulnerable than ever to terrorists entering the country, hundreds will die. On a personal note, if you haven’t arranged to have a full-body medical scan you are most likely suffering from an undetected terminal illness, and you will die. And in case you’ve relaxed a little more than you should have during the day, there’s always the eleven o’clock news edition to reestablish the imperative massive flood of adrenalin that your vital organs marinade in.

Can we safely assume that we are receiving the proper doses of apprehension to maintain the phobic qualities that are so prevalent today? Let’s turn to a publication of The Journal of The American Medical Association to find out. About fourteen million Americans had a serious depressive episode in the last year. Thirty five million have experienced such depression over their lifetimes. Many people worry about the rapid growth in psychiatric medication of Americans, especially the young. The increase in Americans receiving treatment for depression is striking.

As we age, our bodies show the classic effects of long-term exposure to Adrenaline. The older person has developed a feeling of detachment from reality, as if observing but not participating in life and it’s as if everything is happening in slow motion. The trouble is, young people do not understand what is happening to them. They start thinking something is psychologically wrong with them. The adrenaline cycle makes them think they are going crazy. Adrenaline can produce some very unusual effects, and they are natural. The mechanisms are there to help you survive in dangerous situations. Could having a constant supply of Adrenaline be a stumbling block to our biological defenses?

I’ve decided to provide a service for those who find it necessary to remain in a continuous state of angst and supply a Fear of the Day; which will supersede the need for turning to the media terrorists to provide fodder for daily doses. Of course, the Fear of the Day will lower the amount of Adrenaline the normal person is accustomed to in the hopes of offering a small, but constant such as an intravenous drip. Expect the typical symptoms of withdrawal from dread. Don’t let this deter you. Just look at the list provided and pick your favorite. Post them in your car, office and home.

Fear of the Day:

1.Someone at the office has come across your personal ad on an Internet Dating Service and tacked it up on the lunchroom bulletin board.

2.The laughter you hear behind you is definitely directed toward you.

3.Your company is advertising in the help wanted section of a trade paper for your
position.

4.Your phone line is tapped and everything you’re saying is being recorded, and will be used in court against you.

5.Hardly anyone is going to be foolish enough to like you.

6.The bland smile offered by the grocery checker is masking their craving to wrench a plastic bag over your head.

7.Your therapist shares your secrets with other patients. They laugh.

8.Your Accountant is planning on retiring and moving to South America with your money.

9.Remember…you’re always the one who gets hurt.

10.The waiter at your favorite restaurant secretly despises you and spits in your salad at every opportunity.

11.Microwaves emitted from ovens produced prior to August, 2005 are destroying thousands of your brain cells each second.

12.Think of all the things you could buy with what you pay in taxes each year. Your taxes will be more this year due to the audit.

13.You know who you are. Everybody knows. They’re all looking at you.

14.The office bathroom has a two-way mirror.

15.Why on earth would anyone want to talk to you?

16.That red car you see each morning on your way to work is driven by the murderous stalker that has evaded the police for the past six months and now has his sights set on you.

17.The poorly sealed windshield on your car may implode, enveloping you in shards of glass.

18.Every minor infraction of the law that you have ever committed has been posted on the Internet.

19.Soon, everyone you know will be younger and more successful than you.

20.Your spouse thinks sex with you is totally unsatisfying.

21.The few acquaintances that you know are determined to brainwash you.

22.Your best friend thinks you are evil.

23.That creaking noise you hear in your bedroom at night is an escapee from an insane asylum hiding in your closet.

24.The possibility of being sexually assaulted increases in the late evening while watering your lawn.

25.You bore people to death with all your problems.

26.You were mixed up with another baby at the hospital. That is not your family.

27.You didn’t forward that chain letter. A hideous-looking zombie is going to rape and kill you.

28.You forgot to turn off a drippy faucet and now the water is running over the sides of the sink and drowning your carpets and furniture.

29.The airbag in your car is defective and will deploy, breaking your nose and shooting a shard of your lacrimal bone into your frontal lobe.

30.It’s not who you are, it’s who you don’t know.

31.That’s not really whipped cream the kid at Starbucks puts on your Frapachino.

There. That’s enough to keep you busy for a whole month. Enjoy!

Building Self-Esteem with my bare hands and Dr. Weakly

It’s time to get down to brass tacks and find out why I keep shooting myself in the emotional foot. I want to address my neurosis once and for all. It’s time to do away with low self-esteem and repression and begin to feel good about myself. Since I like people, 28 % of the time, and I consider myself public-spirited, I have decided to share my process with anyone it may benefit.

Following are the actual transcripts of my recent visit with my Psychiatrist, Dr. Neil Weakly:

Dr. Weakly: Let’s assume your self-esteem is just not what it needs to be right now.

Me: I think we can safely assume that.

Dr. Weakly: There are a few things you can do to improve your self-esteem.

Me: That’s why I’m here.

Dr. Weakly: What we have to do is get you to put on your self-esteem colored glasses, set goals that will make your life a wondrous adventure and weed out those deep-rooted inadequate self-conceptions. You must believe that you can rid yourself of that debilitating anxiety and self-defeating behavior. You may not even be a person that people enjoy being around. You’re probably disorganized and don’t manage your time well. You may sit quietly and let other people do all the talking. This could literally put you in a position that is one mishap or stupid decision away from a complete emotional breakdown or worse. You’re not alone. I have many patients who look down and think how skinny their legs are. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of people are short but they don’t let that interfere with their self-image. Compared to successful people, you may feel as if your life is insignificant, but being indecisive isn’t as serious as you may think. If you continue to believe that you aren’t an attractive woman, you’re a sitting duck for any neurosis.

Me: (Crying) But what can I do about this horrible mess that I am?

Dr. Weakly: Now see? Stop referring to yourself as a mess. I mean, even if your hair is sort of a train wreck, and you have large pores and oily skin, you must acknowledge your strengths. Even though nothing you do is good enough, you mustn’t allow your past mistakes to haunt you or you will only impede your progress. Backing away and avoiding challenges has caused your self esteem muscles to become flabby. In fact, they’re downright pendulous. Fight back, even if you’re not worthy of praise.

Me: (Crying harder) Help me, doctor!

Dr. Weakly: I believe I can. You must begin to listen to your inner dialog. Are you telling yourself that you are a whiny little failure? Do you chide yourself for being lazy? Do you tell yourself that people are laughing at you behind your back? Do you think you have an odd odor about you? Do you lie awake at night counting your weaknesses and wishing you could think of one single talent that you possess?

Me: (Sobbing) Oh my God! I had no idea I was such a basket-case!

Dr. Weakly: (Frowning) Stop indulging yourself in this panic-stricken display of feebleness. I want you to take that flaccid excuse for a backbone and give it a stiffy. Get into the control booth of your mind and allow your thoughts to be the Viagra that will cause you to straighten up, erect and proud! No wonder you’re depressed, always acting helpless, unable to cope and just waiting for someone to come to your rescue. Have you spent your whole life looking for guidance from others? When are you going to accept that you’re not the idiot that you think you are? You’re not an imposter! You’re not stupid! You’re not always going to be alone! Get up off that floor and stand up!

Me: (Clutching his pant legs) Please! Tell me how to stop this insanity!

Dr. Weakly: (Looking at his watch) Our time is up. We can discuss a firm course of action next time