Saturday, November 26, 2011

Merry Christmas To All, Especially All Those Polite.

Black Friday. Recent acts of violence while shopping may cause us to look at Christmas in a new way, especially those whom have fallen victim of pepper spray. There is an answer to this dilemma. Shoppers who have been sprayed will need to tap into their inner eye of faith where no spice can blind it. The eye of faith can lead to perfect parking spots, 75% off linens, 40% off on Oscar de la Renta Sweaters and don’t forget to pick up a pair of Macy’s Rampage Boots for $19.99, they will come in handy for next year’s Black Friday, unless the world ends on December 21st, in which case none of this will matter.

What if the overall faith in Christmas has been seriously compromised? We could choose to remember that even though it may be a holiday intended to bring families and friends together with seasonal food and drink, dancing, games, and a festive generosity of spirit or we may just need to heed the warning and prepare ourselves for those must-have items.

If you insist on using pepper spray to eliminate the competition, be sure it is organic. Halogenated hydrocarbons can cause severe allergic reactions. Asthmatics suffer more and exposure can cause a violent, allergic, life-threatening reaction known as anaphylactic shock. So, for God’s sake, if you are asthmatic and insist on carrying pepper spray, you may want to consider a formulation that doesn’t contain oleoresin capsicum and avoid possible blowback. A normal reaction to pepper spray is a horrific burning sensation, nerve irritation, runny nose, coughing and temporary blindness. The debilitating effects last for more than 30 minutes, and lessen over several hours.

I would like to offer a few Black Friday safety and self-defense tips for the future:

If you are sprayed with pepper spray, DO NOT RUB the contaminated area! When you touch a contaminated area you aid the pepper spray in opening up the capillaries.

Do your best to grope your way to the nearest grocery store dairy section. Applying whole milk to the affected area should help to take the burn away.

If someone blocks your efforts to obtain milk, apply a common wrestling technique such as the El Kabong which simply involves breaking a guitar over an opponent’s head.

Next, you will need to mix a solution of 25% Dawn dishwashing liquid and 75% water in a large bowl. Plunge your face into the bowl for 10-15 seconds at a time. Recovery time depends on your skin type. It can take anywhere from 15 to 45 minutes before symptoms subside.

You may again face opposition in the kitchen/bathroom aisle. The best maneuver here would be Rolling Thunder. It requires the action of a forward roll towards your opponent using the complete rotation to spring up onto your feet and into the air to perform the attack. I guarantee that when they see a grunting, red-eyed, salivating, crazed person leaping at them, surprise will be their first reaction. When you drop to your knees and raise your arm up between the opponent’s legs, striking the groin with the inside of your elbow joint, be sure to scream out, “Cheap shot!” This will not only create unimaginable pain but they will believe you have out shopped them. Success!

I hope these activities haven’t spoiled the Thanksgiving holiday, which is meant to bring families together and to develop an attitude of gratitude which was wisely expressed by, Charles Haddon Spurgeon, England’s best-known preacher for most of the second half of the nineteenth century.

“You say, ‘If I had a little more, I should be very satisfied.’ You make a mistake. If you are not content with what you have, you would not be satisfied if it were doubled.”

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