Wish I Was Here

With the cost of living constantly going up and the price of gas going even higher, people are finding unique ways of saving money. I read about one woman who invented a bionic bra. It seems, with the simple motion of her breasts, she can create enough power to operate her ipod. I’m sure this is only the tip of the iceberg though. With research and time, breasts will one day have the ability to produce enough power to run a George Foreman grill. That’s when the real savings will kick in.

Of course, it’s true that humans are more resourceful when it is absolutely necessary. We all know that some women fake orgasms, some men fake finances, but now… families are faking vacations for the purpose of saving money.

Since I had some vacation time saved up, I decided to give the fake vacation a whirl. I chose to savor the sights south of the border, and pretend to go to Mexico. After draping long branches of bougainvillea around the living room, I dragged the picnic table into the center of the room and covered it with my crisp, acrylic, chili peppers tablecloth. A bag of tortilla chips, fresh salsa and a few Jose Ole frozen dinners, and my menu was complete.

I invited by boyfriend along and he helped me cut sponges into sea creature shapes to fill the bathtub for snorkeling. Crazy glue was perfect for sticking on the googly eyes to make the squid look even more life-like. Since my bathtub isn’t very big, we had to take turns snorkeling but fun was had by all.

It took a bit more effort, but we were able to hang a zip-line from the bedroom, through the hallway and into the kitchen. With all the houseplants placed directly beneath the line, it felt as if we were really flying through the jungle’s foliage and we only knocked over one lamp with our tandem experiment.

After we mailed post cards to our friends, we laid out our towels and pretended to relax on the white sands. Everything was going great until he started to complain that there wasn’t a sealing strip of paper across the lid of the toilet seat, ensuring recent sanitation. The mini fridge wasn’t stocked, room service was terrible and there was no Gideon Bible in the nightstand drawer. I listened to his grievances as long as I could and then reminded him that, mi casa es mi casa, cut our vacation short and sent him home.

Next year, I think we’ll pretend to go to Chicago. All I’ll need is to place a few fans around the house and paste a silhouette of the skyline on the walls. Besides, it’s going to take weeks to get all of the sand from our fake trip to Mexico out of my carpet.