Sunday, August 9, 2009

Inertial Informercial

I have a terrible habit of falling asleep in front of my television, spooning the remote. I suppose there are worse habits, and I wish it stopped there, but it doesn't. I usually come-to, around 3 am, when the cable station is showing one of those paid informercials. That's where all the trouble begins. Well, actually it began about thirty years ago when I woke up to Joe Karbo talking about becoming a millionaire, The Lazy Man's Way. The idea stuck in my brain like a day-old Cheerio to a porcelain cereal bowl. Far from the tiresome advice of staying focused and hungry. It is so much more appetizing to be well-fed and lazy. Earn money while you sleep...lose weight while you sleep...subliminal tapes that teach you the secret of positive thinking that only a few know. I love it. Count me in!
Last night, I woke up to, Shapely Secrets. It's a seven-minute motionless exercise program. My eyes snapped open like they were spring-loaded. There were women of all shapes and sizes giving testimonials about how this program sculpts their bodies in only 7 minutes a day, in a perfectly motionless way. My mind screamed, I can do that! It's five times more effective than a 40 minute work-out. Yes! You lose fat, never muscle. Yes! Imagine being a whole size smaller in just fourteen days. Yes! You just stand still and don't move. Yes! Yes! Yes! I felt like Meg Ryan in, When Harry Met Sally.
Now, mind you, I have ordered exercise equipment, videos and dieting books, all promising the same results, and if I added them all up, I would estimate I have lost somewhere in the neighborhood of three-thousand dollars. Suddenly, the voice of reason, at least I think that's what it was because I'm not very familiar with that voice, told me not to go back into that neighborhood. Not without back-up. For once, I listened, and I resisted the urge to pick up the phone and order this time. I was so excited, I felt like finding a 12-step group to report my success. Do they even have IA? Informercials Anonymous?
Of course, my excitement was short-lived. I just signed up for a, Laughter Yoga class. It teaches you to destress your body by laughing, without truly laughing. Ha! You're actually able to produce that thin film of tears which are squeezed from the lachrymal sacs during the act of laughter...or getting your taxes prepared. No strain, no pain.
I guess I'm just hooked on finding the easier, softer ways.

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