Meditation For Dummies

We all know the damage that can be caused by stress. I read about an obscure study conducted several years ago, that just by saying the words, "Mother-in-law", to couples in counseling, caused measurable tissue damage. I can only imagine the devastation that could be caused by coming into contact with the real thing.

I've decided to practice daily meditation, to counterbalance the increasing amount of anxiety and stress that everyday living continually piles on. Unfortunately, I'm finding there are vast, conflicting opinions and methods of meditation. Now I've started to develop anxiety about which type of meditation to practice. Let's see, so far my list includes, Zen, Buddhism, kundalini awakening, chi, chakras, paranormal metaphysical, and just plain relaxation. I wish there was a particular meditation to deal with this type of indecision.

Investigating deeper, revealed things that I have never really connected to my neuromotor activities, as well as my sensory and motor functions. The breath, for one, I often take for granted. In, out, in, out. But that isn't the half of it. It seems the nostrils influence the body chemistry. The right nostril is solar, or heating, and the left is lunar, or cooling, increasing alkaline secretions. It just keeps going, and going, and going...Ah-hem. Anyway, the nose is an instrument for altering brain activity. So, okay, I'm having a difficult day, putting me in an emotional state. All I have to do, is alter the flow of the nasal breath, or breathe through the more congested nostril. Simple. There also seems to be a relationship between the nostrils and the lunar cycles. This means, my right...or masculine nostril will be the dominate one on Sunday, Tuesday and Saturday. My left...or feminine nostril is the dominate one for the remaining days of the week. This is interesting. Why does the feminine nostril have an extra day of work? How can I be sure the nostril of the day is performing to its full potential? I have learned that this can be accomplised with a bimonthly nostril check. Left undetected, a low performing nostril can cause all sorts of nasty physiological or psychological problems. One should become alert and act according to the operating nostril. It may be necessary to change nostrils.This can be accomplished by plugging the dominate nostril. I recommend the oak cork over the rubber cork. It just smells nicer. It probably wouldn't be a good idea to change nostrils before job hunting or going on a first date. No sense risking an embarrasing episode.

I plan to begin my new regimen just as soon as I am able to decide if I should start immediately or wait until the nostril changes. In the meantime, I will practice my dad's meditation. It's called the corpse posture. Settle back in the living room recliner, turn on the television, allow your jaw to drop and breathe in through the mouth, and out through the mouth, breathe in, breathe out. Such a relaxing noise.