Monday, June 22, 2009

With Effects On The Side

There’s no argument about it, the side effect of life, is death. Few want to acknowledge it to themselves let alone talk about it. But, what can we do to make our living experience worth the ultimate side effect? I say laugh your ass off, or at least until it’s hanging by the remote that pins it onto the love seat. That’s usually where my keister can be found when I need a good laugh, nestled in its own little indentation that perfectly matches its size, shape and contour. That happens to be the side effect of watching too much television…leaving a posterior symbol in the cushiony fabric.
From what I can determine by watching commercials is that happiness and youth are the two most sought after conditions. There are only two drugs that I know of that can produce these states of existence. Correctitol, is a new wonder drug that decreases stimuli to the Reticular Activating System. It doesn’t necessarily correct things in your life, but in time it dulls your alertness making your life seem problem free. The longer you take Correctitol, self motivation is persistently throttled down which alters your frontal lobe. This makes reasoning unnecessary. Voila! Everything is corrected. The only side effects are, rash, tightness in the chest, swelling of the mouth, bleeding gums, rectal sores and ringing in the ears. Of course, you must agree, the benefits far outweigh the risks.
Then there is the miracle drug, Reversitol. Now this is the one that really interests me. It seems that with just a few doses, wrinkles vanish, muscles tighten, everything that dangles is made perky again and the lust for life is fully restored. Or is it just lust? Anyway, the trade off is the risk of a decrease in self control, relentless toy seeking, avoiding responsibility, of course, judgment declines and very possibly emotional outbursts will ensue. Overdose is common; a man was reported to be holding his breath at an El Pollo Loco fast food restaurant when he was told they were out of lemonade. In another incident, a woman was caught draping toilet paper on her neighbor’s hydrangea bushes in the middle of the night. When asked why, she said that showing was better than telling her neighbor that she is a poopie head. Reported side effects are acute renal failure, fatal stroke, arterial spasm, pulselessness and nausea.
Sometimes the commercials make me laugh harder than a good romantic comedy. I mean, seriously, the side effects mentioned are downright horrifying. Yet the desire to be young and happy is strong enough to dismiss the warnings and take a walk on the wild side.
I was in the grocery store the other day and strolled over to the produce section. I picked up one of my favorite apples (Pink Lady) to inspect it and there was a rather large sticker on the side that read:
May cause regularity, reduce risk of lung cancer, lower blood cholesterol, facilitate hair growth, reduce wrinkles, improve bladder function and promote bone growth.
The produce clerk thought something must have bitten me because I put it down so quickly. Honest to God. Now they’re listing side effects on the fruit.

No comments:

Post a Comment