Four Birds, One Stone

Everyone I know complains that there isn't enough time in the day to get important things done. I'm no exception. In the future however, I think I will be a little more selective with things I combine to save time.

I brilliantly arranged for two medical exams to be done on the same day. It was my perfect time-saving plan. I would get my eyes examined, including pupil dilation, in the morning and my annual mammogram in the afternoon. Believe me, as usual, I tried every which way to get out of the latter, reasoning with Dr. Rodriguez that an ultrasound would reveal every bit as much as the procedure of using hydraulic pressure to painlessly compress objects from four inches to five centimeters. Of course, my lack of medical knowledge revealed itself, and he won out. Quesadillas again!

The eye exam went well. Do you know they have a tool that's made specifically for covering one eye? It's a circle on a stick. Wish I'd thought of it. You just hold it in front of one eye and ta da, you can only see out of the unobstructed eye! It's even better than placing one hand over your eye. The doctor gave me a funny look when I told him it would come in handy when drunk driving. Instant relief from double vision. Anyway, I read the chart and endured the bright light. He explained that my iris is like the shutter on a camera, the pupil becomes smaller when the light shines in it. After the dilating drops took effect, I resembled one of those characters in a horror flick where their eyes are just one big, black, pupil.

Naturally, I forgot to bring my sunglasses so after trying to pay for my exam with my Starbucks gift card, the receptionist gave me a pair of disposable sun glasses...the ones that resemble 3D glasses that you use in the theater. Little good they did. I'm sure everyone in the waiting room heard me scream when I stepped out the door into the sunlight.

I looked at my watch, but only saw the vague outline of it encircling my wrist. I judged by the position of the sun, directly over head, that it must be close to noon and I would have time to return a book to the library and have lunch before my next appointment. I guess I will have to go back to the library tomorrow, to claim my organizer, and pay the late fee for the book still sitting on my back seat.

The waitress at the coffee shop was nice. She read the whole menu to me. Twice. It didn't occur to me that after my appointment I wouldn't be able to do anything that required crisp vision. Blinking didn't help, it was frustrating, but I was thankful that I was wearing my temporary sunglasses so as not to scare the other customers.

I remember wondering if it was taking an unusually long time for my eyes to return to normal as I blindly turned the pages of a magazine at the imaging center. I groped my way to the dressing room after my name was called, and put on the brittle paper vest that opens in the front. The technician led me to the x-ray room and prepared to take the slides. She seemed to be very amused when I told her the reason I was wearing the paper sunglasses. She asked me if I could fit a bit of shopping in my day to save even more time. I told her I actually was going to stop at the mall before going home. Her laugh was contagious.

I really shouldn't have been driving but I'm proof that God really does look after drunks and fools. I made it to the mall safely, bought a skirt for work (I had to ask another customer to read the price tag to me) and even found the courage to go into Victoria's Secret for a new bra. After all they had been through, they deserved to be swaddled in silk. The salesgirl was very helpful, bringing me several different styles, sizes and colors and even helped me try them on. She didn't say a word about the strange looking sun glasses I was still wearing.

It wasn't until later that night, while in the tub, and my vision had returned, that I reviewed my day. I had learned a lot. Mostly, what not to do, no matter how much time you save. Informative though, how your eyes work, what technicians do to provide reference points on x-rays. I looked down and saw that the metal Bb's the technician had scotch taped to my nipples were still there.

TIME LAPSE

I was invited to a time management seminar. Time management? Really? I began to wonder. Can time really be managed? That question kept repeating in my mind until evening when I went to bed. The debate rolled over and over in my mind like a pair of pants in the dryer, with a quarter in one pocket.

I finally drifted off and found myself dreaming about it. I had been given the assignment of disassembling Big Ben and the sending parts out for cleaning. I took my job very seriously and demanded to see Sir Benjamin Hall, who ordered the original fourteen-ton bell in 1859. Of course, no one could put me in touch with him and I was incensed. I decided Big Ben was behind the times and searched out a new bell maker. Since I knew that the Swiss make incredibly accurate time pieces, I contacted Axel Acklin, whom I was told, comes from a long line of watchmakers and was now employed by Ryser Kentfield, one of the most well-known watchmakers in Switzerland. I hired him to help with Big Ben but soon became aware of some issues that could hinder the project.

Axel had a thick-as-molasses Swiss accent that was extremely difficult to understand. I asked him to use his best English and he reached out and slapped me across the face. I expected to hear a smacking sound but instead it sounded like the bell that ends a round in a boxing match.
Suddenly, he was like a drill sergeant shouting out directives in perfect English. The strange thing is, he yodeled after each order.

“Hey you! 60 minutes! You might be famous on CBS, but around here you work for me! I want that big hand to be dismantled inside of an hour! And you! Sixty seconds! You may have waltzed for a minute with Chopin, but I expect you to fox trot around here, and for a whole lot longer! You, time over there, don’t start thinking you’re special because people believe you heal things! Yeah right, I suspect it’s the antibiotics. Think you’re a big shot do you? Just because you have an American magazine named after you? And where the hell did the day go? Probably out brooding about his bad hair. Has anyone ordered him to have a nice one? Come on you bunch of Nannos, is your hourglass half empty or half full?! It’s showtime, where is everyone? I’m going call attendance and when I do, you better say say present!”

I began to wonder if I had made a mistake. I could see that Axel was taking my job into realms that would have caused Sir Benjamin Hall to roll over in his grave. Big Ben had now been replaced with a Swiss Chalet Cuckoo clock complete with hand-carved figures of alp climbers in leiderhosen, beer maidens, farmers, cows and roosters. On the hour, a great green Cuckoo bird emerged from the gigantic doors and emitted a deafening cuckoo sound followed by a music box version of The Happy Wanderer.

I was aghast at the disrespect Axel had shown to one of England’s most cherished landmarks. He laughed like a sinister villain and confessed that he didn’t work for Ryser Kentfield at all, but was really a member of The Black Forest Society and had plans to steal all time from the world. Big Ben would now be known as Big Cuckoo!

In time, I was mobbed by angry Englishmen and tossed onto the street hungry and timeless. I was begging for spare time and living in a cardboard Timex box. I was nearly unconscious when a light appeared in front of me and a figure appeared. He said his name was Sir Benjamin Hall and he put a hand on my shoulder. His touch was electric. He asked me a question. “Can time really be gained, beat, killed, marked, kept, gained, lost, borrowed, multiplied, pressed, small, big, behind, out, in, taken, parted, filled, right, wrong, ahead of us, or managed?”

I tried to answer but all that came out of my mouth was the sound of a cuckoo.

He smiled warmly and asked, “You have a lifetime, but are you having the time of your life?”

That’s when I awoke and smiled. I finally had my answer.

Time Lapse

Last week I was invited to a time management seminar. I wasn’t able to attend but the question haunted me. Time management? Really? I began to wonder. Can time really be managed? That question kept repeating in my mind until evening when I went to bed. It took me awhile to get to sleep. The debate kept rolling over and over in my mind like a pair of pants in the dryer, with a quarter in one pocket.

I finally drifted off and found myself dreaming about it. I had been given the assignment of disassembling Big Ben and the sending parts out for cleaning. I took my job very seriously and demanded to see Sir Benjamin Hall, who ordered the original fourteen-ton bell in 1859. Of course, no one could put me in touch with him and I was incensed. I decided Big Ben was behind the times and searched out a new bell maker. Since I knew that the Swiss make incredibly accurate time pieces, I contacted Axel Acklin, whom I was told, comes from a long line of watchmakers and was now employed by Ryser Kentfield, one of the most well-known watchmakers in Switzerland. I felt the best way to get him on board was to show him a good time, so I hired Kala who told me her name means ‘time’ in Sanskrit. She said my request was untimely, but would see what she could do. In less than two shakes of a lamb’s tail, Axel was on the job.

Not only was he the best craftsman that money could buy, he had a thick-as-molasses Swiss accent that was extremely difficult to understand. I asked him to use his best English and he reached out and slapped me across the face. I expected to hear a smacking sound but instead it sounded like the bell that ends a round in a boxing match.

Suddenly, he was like a drill sergeant shouting out directives in perfect English. The strange thing is, he yodeled after each order.

“Hey you! 60 minutes! You might be famous on CBS, but around here you work for me! I want that big hand to be dismantled inside of an hour! And you! Sixty seconds! You may have waltzed for a minute with Chopin, but I expect you to fox trot around here, and for a whole lot longer! You, time over there, don’t start thinking you’re special because people believe you heal things! Yeah right, I suspect it’s the antibiotics. Think you’re a big shot do you? Just because you have an American magazine named after you? And where the hell did the day go? Probably out brooding about his bad hair. Has anyone ordered him to have a nice one? Come on you bunch of Nannos, is your hourglass half empty or half full?! It’s showtime, where is everyone? I’m going call attendance and when I do, you better say say present!”

I began to wonder if I had made a mistake. I could see that Axel was taking my job into realms that would have caused Sir Benjamin Hall to roll over in his grave. Big Ben had now been replaced with a Swiss Chalet Cuckoo clock complete with hand-carved figures of alp climbers in leiderhosen, beer maidens, farmers, cows and roosters. On the hour, a great green Cuckoo bird emerged from the gigantic doors and emitted a deafening cuckoo sound followed by a music box version of The Happy Wanderer.

I was aghast at the disrespect Axel had shown to one of England’s most cherished landmarks. He laughed like a sinister villain and confessed that he didn’t work for Ryser Kentfield at all, but was really a member of The Black Forest Society and had plans to steal all time from the world. Big Ben would now be known as Big Cuckoo!

Of course, I was mobbed by angry Englishmen and tossed onto the street hungry and timeless. I was begging for spare time and living in a cardboard Timex box. I was nearly unconscious when a light appeared in front of me and a figure emerged.

He said his name was Sir Benjamin Hall and he put a hand on my shoulder. His touch was electric. He asked me a question. “Can time really be gained, beat, killed, marked, kept, gained, lost, borrowed, multiplied, pressed, small, big, behind, out, in, taken, parted, filled, right, wrong, ahead of us, or managed?”

I tried to answer but all that came out of my mouth was the sound of a cuckoo.

He smiled warmly and asked, “You have a lifetime, but are you having the time of your life?”

That’s when I awoke and smiled. I finally had my answer.