Sunday, December 22, 2013

Holiday Shopping and ADD

This year I thought I would make a couple of changes to avoid the traditional holiday stress. I need to take it easy, beat the crowds, the frustrating search for parking places and cold weather. I decided not to cook the holiday dinner and to do my shopping online but I wasn’t quite sure where to start. It has been said that Amazon is the granddaddy of online shopping so I started there…Click…

Several family members are the crafty type, I typed in Arts and Crafts and found over a million results for crafts ranging from fashioning headbands to carving elephants on a gift box.  The elephant signifies power, commitment, strength and royalty. I really should research some images to make sure the finished product would be an accurate representation…Click…

Did you know that elephants are the first wild animals to understand pointing? I smiled. It reminded me of a dog I used to have, a mixed terrier named Stinker Bell.  When I wanted her to see something I would point to it but instead of looking into the direction I was pointing, she just looked at my finger.  “Look!” I said excitedly but her eyes remained glued to my finger.  Ultimately, I would put my hands on the sides of her head and aim her line of vision. Eventually she would either see what I wanted her to or it would be too late and she would completely miss the point of interest…Click…

I just searched points of interest. Did you know that Egypt has seven zoological parks? Oh my God, just recently a giraffe named Roqa hanged herself inside her enclosure. They believe it is due to the political unrest. It seems police fire tear gas at chanting protesters and the vapors make their way to animal enclosures.  Earlier this year three bears died mysteriously in one night. They called it a ‘bear riot’. Surely there is something that can be done to bring peace and calm to man and beast…Click…

It seems ancient Egyptians knew a lot more about our endocrine system than first suspected. They believed that our pineal gland located in the center of our brain is the portal that our soul passes through from life to life.  Meditation can stimulate this gland and provide answers to questions about the existence of an afterlife. I really have to get back to meditating. I wonder why the Egyptians scooped out and discarded the brain when bodies were mummified if the pineal gland was so important? I just found some Pineal Activation Cream. It is said if you apply it to your third eye, you will be much more open to psychic experiences. That would be awesome, then I wouldn't have to guess what everyone wants. I just bought some...Click...

Wow, someone has invented a build your own potato gun with PVC pipe and a rudimentary combustion chamber fueled by hair spray and ignited with a barbeque lighter.  The demonstration video is quite impressive.  This gun is capable of mashing a large russet baking potato against an abandoned car window effortlessly. Might come in handy if you have a lot of dinner guests or enemies for that matter. Raw potatoes would leave real serious tater knot on your head. Click…

My sister and I got a Mr. Potato head for Christmas one year. The bug eyes always scared me.  We had a Mrs. Potato head too.  I think this is why so many women believe they need lip augmentation. They played with Potato Heads when they were little. Have you even seen the lips on Mrs. Potato Head...Click…

My mother used to make the cheesiest potato pancakes from leftover mashed potatoes. Yum. Even though she’s been gone a long time, I still think about her cooking. The taste of her Sunday pot roast with homemade egg noodles sticks like a magnet to my mental refrigerator…Click…

Isn’t it funny how some people get into a routine with their weekly menus? Growing up, Monday was spaghetti, Tuesday was pork chops and gravy, Wednesday was chicken, potatoes and canned corn, Thursday was meat loaf, with roasted vegetables, Friday was fish sticks, and Saturday was hamburgers.  My father was an excommunicated Catholic due to his divorce but I can think of a multitude of other sins that he could have been excommunicated for. There’s little worse than a bitter Catholic. I suffered from second-hand Catholicism growing up; it’s many times more carcinogenic than second hand smoke. I think the only commandment he threatened us with was, ‘Honor thy Father and Thy Mother’ and that was the end of any possible conflict.  Even though he was dropped-kicked out of the church (can you believe they used to do that?) he never ate meat on Friday. Maybe he was afraid he’d go to hell. As a child, I promised myself that I would never develop menu monotony after I grew up but I can’t count the number of times I would be stirring spaghetti sauce and suddenly realize it was Monday…Click…

It is often said that more bad things happen on Monday than any other day of the week, heart attacks, accidents, long lines, rude clerks and memorials. Monday night football used to drive me batty. Memorial day is always on Monday.  Scores of years before it was called Decoration Day…Click…

Good Grief, I forgot about decorations! So caught up in holiday shopping that I need to buy a tree and replace the ornaments that I accidently gave to Goodwill last January. It was probably on a Monday, spaghetti day….Click…


Man, this online shopping is for the birds. I can’t see that it has saved me any time at all! Sitting in front of the computer for hours and not have ANYTHING to show for it, well, sounds like a typical day for me. There isn’t enough time to get gifts shipped on time now so it looks like I will be out among the throngs again, pushed, shoved, stepped on and honked at...Click... 

Sigh, I have to admit, I do love the memories made during the holiday season…Click…

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Up Against Medical Advice

During one of my lunch hours last week I called my doctor to schedule a routine, bi-annual blood test. It’s a very busy office, and just as I anticipated, the receptionist who answered my call asked if she could put me on hold. I sat at my desk and played with my shoe letting it dangle from the ends of my toes bored from listening to the advertisements boasting of the wonderful services the clinic provided. Suddenly, the announcer asked a shocking question, “Do you know if you have an abdominal aortic aneurysm?” My eyes widened, my ears opened and my shoe dropped to the floor. I pressed the receiver harder against my ear.

The following explanation was provided; the abdominal aorta is a large blood vessel that supplies blood to your abdomen, pelvis, and legs. An aneurysm can develop at any time, in anyone, but it was the next sentence that really got my attention. The monotone voice went on to explain that there are virtually no symptoms that will warn you of this condition. The larger an aneurysm is, the more likely it is to rupture. I rested a hand on my abdomen and gently pressed. If there were no symptoms, how would I know?

What the heck kind of hold entertainment was this? Why don’t they play the typical, noxious please-hold music, like every other establishment aching to have power over you? This is cruel. It would be like an airline, showing continuous documentaries of plane crashes on a non-stop fourteen-hour flight.

“Aneurysms develop slowly over many years,” the voice cautioned. “If they rupture, treatment is needed, and thin, hollow tubes called catheters are inserted through arteries in your groin.” I crossed my legs tightly. “The outcome is good if an experienced surgeon repairs the aneurysm before it ruptures. However, less that 50% of patients survive a ruptured abdominal aneurysm.”

I would have been more comfortable, rapidly stabbing holes between my fingers with a pocketknife into the top of my desk. I looked at my watch. I had listened to the abdominal aneurysm warning in its entirety and now was being asked again, “Do you have an abdominal aortic aneurysm?”

My skin turned clammy, I was anxious and I felt my heart rate increase. I quickly turned to my computer and looked for any information about this medical condition. The Internet is a great source of medical information that doesn’t bother to sugarcoat anything.

I frantically pressed around my navel. It could have been a pulsating mass I felt, I wasn’t sure. My bladder seemed to be overfilled with fluid, but then, I was on my third cup of morning coffee, and I had been on hold, approaching the twenty-minute mark. I was dizzy and nauseous… both were classic symptoms. I took my pulse. My heart was racing. I felt confused. My fingernails were a strange bluish color, or at least I think they were beneath the flaming-red nail polish I was wearing. I became light-headed and began to sweat. My breathing was shallow and I thought I might faint.

It has been years since I was obsessed with the idea that I might have an undiagnosed fatal disease. It was like being constantly accompanied by an uninvited annoying and depressing traveling companion. I ditched her at a rest stop and now she was back!

In the next moment, the receptionist interrupted the recorded antichrist, the Nostradamus of health threats.

“Can I help you?”
“I think I’m dying!” I screamed into the phone.
“If this is an emergency,” she said calmly. “Please dial 9-1-1.”