My First (And Last) Movie Review

I have reviewed books on many occasions and am very careful not to include spoilers.  As a writer, I feel it is more important that you recommend a book based on your reading experience not by disclosing the plot.

It was without premeditation that I decided to review the movie my husband had sat down to watch today, I need to warn you that there are spoilers in this review. My husband will attest to that. In fact he would probably say that I was the spoiler. Nevertheless, if I want to improve my writing skills, and I do, I must not recoil from autopsying a screenplay. 

Since I had enjoyed the lightning Wing Chug, Aikido type moves Liam Neeson performed in Taken, I thought Taken 2 would be just as good. I sat down next to my husband, Bj, and settled in with my notepad and explained what I was about to do.  After I rewound the movie a few times, he dropped his head back to take a nap.

The movie opens with Bryan Mills (Liam) going to pick up his daughter to take her to the DMV for her driving test. Lenore, the former ex wife, answers the door and tells him that his daughter is with her boyfriend of several months. He didn’t know she had one. Obviously disturbed by the news, she invites him in for a drink and opens a bottle of wine.  She ends up telling him that her marriage is on the rocks and her husband is a dirty rotten bastard for cancelling a trip, credit cards, bank accounts and such.

Since Mills is going to Istanbul on assignment for three days, he invites Lenore and Kim, his daughter, to join him when he has finished, mostly to get away from falling marriage rocks and probably the boyfriend.  He leaves, does a little investigation of some kind that was never explained and irritates me a lot to locate his daughter’s boyfriend’s house and picks her up.

That was not the only scene that irritated me. It seems the rotten men who had abducted his daughter in the first movie had family members that want to seek revenge. They track him to Istanbul and coincidentally arrive at the same time the daughter and former ex show up. A cavalcade of vans and the sound of evil drums announce the arrival of the bad guys.

Okay, this is taking too long. Let’s just go over the unbelievable parts. Like when Liam realizes they are being followed, he gives his former ex instructions to escape.

“Focus,” he says, “get out of the cab and go into that fabric shop, go through and exit at the back to the right, at the first street turn left. You will be in a red corridor, go all the way to the end, it exits at a cabstand. Take a taxi back to the hotel to get Kim and go to the American Embassy.”

First of all, in a situation like that, especially in her emotional state about her second failed marriage, being in a foreign country and chased by men with guns, how on earth did she retain those instructions? And how did he know what was behind the fabric shop? Did he frequent it? Is that where he spent is down time? Anyway, he forgot to mention there could be a locked gate at the exit so she didn’t get away.

Wow, this is taking way too long.  I hate long blogs. Okay let’s just touch on the things I learned from the movie.

* If you are abducted, have your head covered with a black burlap bag and you’re thrown into the back of a van…count. That’s right, you will later be able to trace where you were by how far you counted and the sounds from the street.

* Always carry a spare cell phone in your sock. Don’t worry, your abductors will wait patiently while you make a necessary call but they will crush your phone after you hang up.

* When your hands are tied to a pipe and you need your spare cell phone, just use the heel of your shoe to work it out of your sock, balance it on your instep and raise it up high enough to get your hand on it (this may take a couple of tries) and then make your call. Don't worry, you will have service. 

* A shoelace can be used for navigational purposes. The circles you make intersect Taken and Taken 2.  Grenades can be used for judging distance but only if you throw it where no one will get hurt.  

* There is only one vent with steam coming out of it on the rooftops of Istanbul and if you throw a gun down it you may save someone’s life.

* The best place to practice for your driving test is on the narrow streets of Istanbul being chased by thugs and police. Roundabouts are dangerous and littered with crashed police cars.

* You can always be sure that smoking a cigarette or watching sports on a portable television with a wire hanger fashioned as an antenna will distract your abductors. Take advantage of it.

* It is possible to bleed to death from a shaving cut if you are hung upside down for any length of time.

* If your second marriage fails consider revising the first.

* Always leave room for Taken 3 which I understand is in the works. 

Okay, that’s enough. I doubt Taken fans will appreciate the plot holes it’s still exciting. I think I’ll stick to reviewing books. Bj will be glad too.

Merry Christmas To All, Especially All Those Polite.

Black Friday. Recent acts of violence while shopping may cause us to look at Christmas in a new way, especially those whom have fallen victim of pepper spray. There is an answer to this dilemma. Shoppers who have been sprayed will need to tap into their inner eye of faith where no spice can blind it. The eye of faith can lead to perfect parking spots, 75% off linens, 40% off on Oscar de la Renta Sweaters and don’t forget to pick up a pair of Macy’s Rampage Boots for $19.99, they will come in handy for next year’s Black Friday, unless the world ends on December 21st, in which case none of this will matter.

What if the overall faith in Christmas has been seriously compromised? We could choose to remember that even though it may be a holiday intended to bring families and friends together with seasonal food and drink, dancing, games, and a festive generosity of spirit or we may just need to heed the warning and prepare ourselves for those must-have items.

If you insist on using pepper spray to eliminate the competition, be sure it is organic. Halogenated hydrocarbons can cause severe allergic reactions. Asthmatics suffer more and exposure can cause a violent, allergic, life-threatening reaction known as anaphylactic shock. So, for God’s sake, if you are asthmatic and insist on carrying pepper spray, you may want to consider a formulation that doesn’t contain oleoresin capsicum and avoid possible blowback. A normal reaction to pepper spray is a horrific burning sensation, nerve irritation, runny nose, coughing and temporary blindness. The debilitating effects last for more than 30 minutes, and lessen over several hours.

I would like to offer a few Black Friday safety and self-defense tips for the future:

If you are sprayed with pepper spray, DO NOT RUB the contaminated area! When you touch a contaminated area you aid the pepper spray in opening up the capillaries.

Do your best to grope your way to the nearest grocery store dairy section. Applying whole milk to the affected area should help to take the burn away.

If someone blocks your efforts to obtain milk, apply a common wrestling technique such as the El Kabong which simply involves breaking a guitar over an opponent’s head.

Next, you will need to mix a solution of 25% Dawn dishwashing liquid and 75% water in a large bowl. Plunge your face into the bowl for 10-15 seconds at a time. Recovery time depends on your skin type. It can take anywhere from 15 to 45 minutes before symptoms subside.

You may again face opposition in the kitchen/bathroom aisle. The best maneuver here would be Rolling Thunder. It requires the action of a forward roll towards your opponent using the complete rotation to spring up onto your feet and into the air to perform the attack. I guarantee that when they see a grunting, red-eyed, salivating, crazed person leaping at them, surprise will be their first reaction. When you drop to your knees and raise your arm up between the opponent’s legs, striking the groin with the inside of your elbow joint, be sure to scream out, “Cheap shot!” This will not only create unimaginable pain but they will believe you have out shopped them. Success!

I hope these activities haven’t spoiled the Thanksgiving holiday, which is meant to bring families together and to develop an attitude of gratitude which was wisely expressed by, Charles Haddon Spurgeon, England’s best-known preacher for most of the second half of the nineteenth century.

“You say, ‘If I had a little more, I should be very satisfied.’ You make a mistake. If you are not content with what you have, you would not be satisfied if it were doubled.”