Negativity Sucks and Breeds a Pie in the Face

I had a strange dream last night. I was working at a trade show. The convention center was filled with hundreds of people interacting with others in a very solemn way.  Everyone was dressed in black as if attending a funeral. It was confusing to me that not one person smiled, as if the residing emotional committee had banned smiling.

I was representing a company that had invented a new type of vacuum cleaner that could suck unwanted thoughts out of the brain. The name of the company was Naysip, a clever play on old English and a comfortable means for extracting. Several models were on display, some looked like the traditional vacuums in stand-up or canister style for home use, but the big buzz was focused on the new hand-held model that also served as a smart phone. The device would drain your brain of negativity during your conversation and prevent you from saying anything you would be sorry about afterward. Wouldn’t that be handy?

There were several people I know working with me in the booth including my husband.  Someone came up and handed me a phone (not one of ours) and said it was Ben returning my call. I went to the back of the booth and sat down on a small couch next to a man also on a phone. I proceeded to have a terrible argument with this Ben person, telling him how unhappy I was with the service he had promised me but didn’t deliver. My emotions rose and my anger flared and I found myself screaming at him. I was responding to him with infantile name-calling and making rude noises like a school child. The people in the booth as well as others attending the convention gathered around with shocked looks on their faces.  I screamed into the phone, “You’re so stupid, you don’t even know!” I hung up. The man next to me ended his call at the same time. 

I turned to him in terrible embarrassment. “I’m so sorry, I hope I didn’t disturb your conversation.”

He smiled, stared at me and then began to laugh. “That was me you were talking to.” The crowd surrounding us started to laugh too. My husband laughed the hardest. He turned to the others and reminded them that this type of conversation would have never taken place if I had been using Naysip. Had I been using our phone I would have only had access to the positive, mature and reasonable parts of my brain.

I was stunned into angry silence as I gazed around at the laughing crowd. Had I been set up with this quirky scenario? Was I being used in some secret sales promotion? Something on the display table next to me caught my attention. It was a meringue pie. Without the least bit of hesitation, I picked up the pie and smooshed it in Ben’s face. In the next moment, there were pies on all the display tables.

Pies began flying this way and that and everyone was covered with meringue, lemon, chocolate and coconut cream.  Pies were still being thrown when I woke myself laughing.

Professional dream interpreters might find symbolic meaning in the function of the Naysip, the humorless crowd, their wardrobe, my angry conversation with Ben, my husband’s actions or even the pies being thrown but I know exactly what the dream meant.

Learn to laugh at yourself.  

With Effects on the Side

There’s no argument about it, the side effect of life, is death. Few want to acknowledge it to themselves let alone talk about it. But, what can we do to make our living experience worth the ultimate side effect?

I say laugh your ass off, or at least until it’s hanging by the remote that pins it to the love seat. That’s usually where my keister can be found when I need a good laugh, nestled in its own little indentation that perfectly matches its size, shape and contour. That happens to be the side effect of watching too much television…leaving a posterior symbol in the cushiony fabric.

Commercials are fun. It seems that happiness and youth are the two most sought after conditions. There are only two drugs that can produce these states of existence. Correctitol, is a new wonder drug. It doesn’t necessarily correct things in your life, but in time it dulls your alertness making your life seem problem free. The longer you take Correctitol, self motivation is persistently throttled down. This makes reasoning unnecessary. Voila! Everything is corrected. The only side effects are, rash, tightness in the chest, swelling of the mouth, bleeding gums, rectal sores and ringing in the ears. Of course, you must agree, the benefits far outweigh the risks.

Then there is the miracle drug, Reversitol. It seems that with just a few doses, wrinkles vanish, muscles tighten, everything that dangles is made perky again and the lust for life is fully restored. Or is it just lust? Anyway, the trade off is the risk of a decrease in self control, relentless toy seeking, avoiding responsibility, of course, judgment declines and very possibly emotional outbursts will ensue.

Overdose is common; a man was reported to be holding his breath at an El Pollo Loco fast food restaurant when he was told they were out of lemonade. In another incident, a woman was caught draping toilet paper on her neighbor’s hydrangea bushes in the middle of the night. When asked why, she said that showing was better than telling. Her neighbor is a doodie head. Reported side effects are acute renal failure, fatal stroke, arterial spasm, pulselessness and nausea.

Sometimes the commercials make me laugh harder than a good romantic comedy. I mean, seriously, the side effects mentioned are downright horrifying. Yet the desire to be young and happy is strong enough to dismiss the warnings and take a walk on the wild side.

I was in the grocery store the other day and strolled over to the produce section. I picked up one of my favorite apples (Pink Lady) to inspect it and there was a rather large sticker on the side that read: May cause regularity, reduce risk of lung cancer, lower blood cholesterol, facilitate hair growth, reduce wrinkles, improve bowel function and promote bone growth. I almost threw it back in the bin. Honest to God. Now they’re listing side effects on the fruit.