Halloween Is Just Another Name For Thursday

The stores are observing Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas simultaneously and have been doing it for some time now. No wonder there is so much stress and depression during the season. Why can’t we tackle one holiday at a time? Talk about pressure! Maybe I’ll just dress up like Santa Claus and surprise everyone by not buying any gifts. That would make me thankful.

Halloween. What is actually being celebrated by dressing up in scanty costumes, eating food shaped like gross things and carving pumpkins? There are several theories. One states that it was a Catholic day of observance in honor of saints. Many believe it is a feast that honors All Hallows’ Eve, influenced by Celtic harvest festivals. Another story says that, on that day, the disembodied spirits of those who passed throughout the preceding year would come back in search of living bodies to possess for the next year. The medical term for this possession is menopause. Celtic villagers would extinguish the fires in their homes, to make them cold and undesirable. Then they would dress up in ghoulish costumes, and parade around the neighborhood, being destructive, in order to frighten the spirits away.

I have unknowingly practiced this ritual for some time. I extinguish all the lights in my house to make it undesirable for the costumed midgets that knock on my door in search of treats that are obtained by panhandling. It is really for their own good that I do this, and for mine. I have been known to eat the entire stash myself before a single midget arrived.

The Jack-o-lantern wasn’t aways the pumpkin that we all know and love. Lanterns used to be fashioned from a hollowed-out turnip. Considering the size of a turnip, this must have been a substantial artistic challenge.

As the legend goes, the lantern was named after a man named Jack, ‘Stingy Jack’ to be precise. Jack was notorious as a drunkard, a thief and a trickster. He successfully tricked Satan into climbing a tree to pick a piece of fruit. I’m guessing it was a Criterion apple. Once he was up there, Jack carved a cross in the tree’s bark preventing him from getting down. Jack made him promise to leave him alone for ten years before he would free him.

(I have to admit, I too have been tricked by a Jack. Jack Daniels tricked me onto many a barroom table and forced me to dance. He carved gigantic smiles on the observer’s faces, males mostly, which trapped me on the table but that’s another story for another time).

Anyway, Jack died ten years later. He was denied access to heaven because of his evil ways and hell wouldn’t have him either because Satan didn’t find the old climb the tree and pick some fruit gag very funny. He did however give Jack a single ember to light his way in the frigid darkness between heaven and hell. The hollowed-out turnip was the handy carrying case that it came with.

It was when the Irish immigrants came to America, that the pumpkin was adopted as Jack’s lantern. It’s a good thing too. Pumpkins are much more colorful when smashed on asphalt. The other name for Halloween this year is, Thursday. So, happy Thursday, whatever you celebrate. 

Tarts, Sours, and Crème de Poo Poo

Finance Blogs are reporting that Valentine’s day may be a little more expensive this year due to the increasing cost of raw materials, almost 5% higher to be exact. The cost of producing perfume, chocolate and silk has risen considerably but it is the cost of Cocoa that has risen a whopping 15% in a year. A dinner for two has dropped 9% and that may be the best choice for your wallet but make sure you are making the healthiest choice for your well-being. 

I watched children in the Walmart aisle today, laughing and pointing up at the familiar February landmarks. Their father glumly followed after them, glancing up at the big red hearts suspended from the ceiling.  Valentine’s Day is hard to miss, with reminders stuck on every window. Must buy… candy, cards, perfume, flowers, jewelry… or suffer the consequences. What might they be? A guilt trip for one? A night on the town by yourself? What is the worst thing that could happen? I read sometime back that a woman killed her thoughtless husband with a single blow from a 16” enamel, cast-iron, Panini pan. Death by cookware.

It’s come to this, the words I love you, mean nothing more than paper or plastic. That is, paper meaning money, and plastic equals’ gift card. When did love turn into, “if you really loved me, you’d….” Buy me a, diamond, take me to Oistins fish fry in Barbatos, or how about a C250 Mercedes? When presented with these options, it isn’t so hard to pick out a mushy greeting with a $20.gift card for itunes, now is it? A word to the wise…come along peacefully.

When I used to start sponging up the feelings that commercialism tends to project…your nobody till somebody loves you…I would dig into my home improvements file, and pull out my divorce papers.  Incidentally, I received my final papers from Van Nuys court, in the mail on a certain Valentine’s Day, years ago. No kidding. I imagine some court clerk laughing maniacally and calculating the correct date to mail out hundreds of final decrees so recipients would receive them on that particular Valentine’s Day. Thanks.

If the divorce papers didn’t work, I would remember the special Valentine’s Day when I received an oak toilet seat, which was just one of the grounds leading up to the divorce in the first place. I was a good sport about it though. I installed it in the oval room.

I don’t think this way anymore. After many long years of being single, I finally found a man I am truly compatible with. I don’t expect him to buy me expensive gifts. I only want what he gave me before we actually started dating. It was a half melted Symphony chocolate bar that he had in his glove compartment. He put it there so he wouldn’t forget to give it to me the following week. It was so deformed it made me laugh out loud. It was the best candy bar I had ever tasted.

The history channel claims Valentine’s Day is marked by the beginning of birds mating season. This confirms my suspicions that Valentine’s Day is truly for the birds. If you want to know more about the history of Valentine’s Day, just click on this link:

http://www.history.com/minisites/valentine/viewPage?pageId=882                 

You will learn about the Roman ‘lottery’ system that paired couples. I believe this ritual has been resurrected by Internet dating. 

St. Valentine was beheaded in the year 269 A.D. or thereabouts. But it just goes to show you, whether you lose your head over love or get struck by a cast-iron Panini pan…you just can’t win.

Holidays seem to begin earlier each year. Aisles in the department stores are decorated for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas simultaneously. Stress is in the air, I feel it, and at this particular moment, my wallet is in no physical condition to live out the year without intense wheezing.

As I uploaded this picture of a pumpkin, and even though it’s October… it feels like a pre-mature, e-Jack o-lantern. You would think that after all these years, living with the Julian calendar, I would be used to the celebrations that occur at this time, EVERY YEAR, but no, they always sneak up from behind and surprise me.

For my own sanity, I will tackle one holiday at a time, thank you. Halloween. What is actually being celebrated? Well, originally it was a Catholic day of observance in honor of saints. Another Irish story says that, on that day, the disembodied spirits of those who passed throughout the preceding year would come back in search of living bodies to possess for the next year. The medical term for this possession is menopause. Celtic villagers would extinguish the fires in their homes, to make them cold and undesirable. Then they would dress up in ghoulish costumes, and parade around the neighborhood, being destructive, in order to frighten the spirits away.

I have unknowingly practiced this ritual for some time. I extinguish all the lights in my house to make it undesirable for the costumed midgets that knock on my door, in search of panhandled treats. It is really for their own good, and for mine. In previous years, I have purchased sweets to hand out, but ended up eating the entire stash myself before a single visitor arrived.

The Jack-o-lantern used to be fashioned from a hollowed-out turnip. That must have been an artistic challenge. It was named after a man named Jack, who was notorious as a drunkard, and tricked Satan into climbing a tree. Then he carved a cross in the tree’s trunk, trapping the devil up the tree. I have to admit, Jack has tricked me too. Yep, he’s a real trickster. Jack Daniels has tricked me onto many a barroom table and forced me to dance. He carved gigantic smiles on the observer’s faces, trapping me on the table.

Anyway, Jack was denied access to heaven because of his evil ways and the devil turned him away too, because it was long before he took anger management classes. He did give Jack a single ember to light his way in the frigid darkness. The hollowed-out turnip was the carrying case that came with it.

It was when the Irish immigrants came to America, that the pumpkin was adopted as Jack’s lantern. It’s a good thing too. Pumpkins are much more colorful when smashed on asphalt. The other name for Halloween this year is, Saturday. So, happy Saturday, whatever you celebrate.