Yule Regrets, A.D.D. and Missing Ornaments

This year I thought I would make a couple of changes to avoid the traditional holiday stress. I need to take it easy, beat the crowds, the frustrating search for parking places and cold weather. I decided not to cook the holiday dinner and to do my shopping online but I wasn’t quite sure where to start. Amazon is the granddaddy of online shopping so I started there…Click…

Several family members are the crafty type, I typed in Arts and Crafts and found over a million results for crafts ranging from fashioning headbands to carving elephants on a gift box.  The elephant signifies power, commitment, strength and royalty. I really should research some images to make sure the finished product would be an accurate representation…Click…

Did you know that elephants are the first wild animals to understand pointing? I smiled. It reminded me of a dog I used to have, a mixed terrier named Stinker Bell.  When I wanted her to see something I would point to it but instead of looking into the direction I was pointing, she just looked at my finger.  “Look!” I said excitedly but her eyes remained glued to my finger.  Ultimately, I would put my hands on the sides of her head and aim her line of vision. Eventually she would either see what I wanted her to or it would be too late and she would completely miss the point of interest…Click…

I just checked out points of interest in Egypt. Pyramids, temples, King Tut exhibits and the Red Sea.

It seems ancient Egyptians knew a lot more about our endocrine system than first suspected. They believed that our pineal gland located in the center of our brain is the portal that our soul passes through from life to life.  Meditation can stimulate this gland and provide answers to questions about the existence of an afterlife. I really have to get back to meditating. I wonder why the Egyptians scooped out and discarded the brain when bodies were mummified if the pineal gland was so important? I just found some Pineal Activation Cream. It is said if you apply it to your third eye, you will be much more open to psychic experiences. That would be awesome, then I wouldn't have to guess what everyone wants. I just bought some...Click...

Wow, someone has invented a build your own potato gun with PVC pipe and a rudimentary combustion chamber fueled by hair spray and ignited with a barbeque lighter.  The demonstration video is quite impressive.  This gun is capable of mashing a large russet baking potato against an abandoned car window effortlessly. Might come in handy if you have a lot of dinner guests or enemies for that matter. Raw potatoes would leave real serious tater knot on your head. Click…

My sister and I got a Mr. Potato head for Christmas one year. The bug eyes always scared me.  We had a Mrs. Potato head too.  I think this is why so many women believe they need lip augmentation. They played with Potato Heads when they were little. Have you even seen the lips on Mrs. Potato Head?...Click…

My mother used to make the cheesiest potato pancakes from leftover mashed potatoes. Yum. Even though she’s been gone a long time, I still think about her cooking. The taste of her Sunday pot roast with homemade egg noodles sticks like a magnet to my mental refrigerator…Click…

Isn’t it funny how some people get into a routine with their weekly menus? Growing up, Monday was spaghetti, Tuesday was pork chops and gravy, Wednesday was chicken, potatoes and canned corn, Thursday was meat loaf, with roasted vegetables, Friday was fish sticks, and Saturday was hamburgers.  My father was an excommunicated Catholic due to his divorce but I can think of a multitude of other sins that he could have been excommunicated for. There’s little worse than a bitter Catholic. I suffered from second-hand Catholicism growing up; it’s many times more carcinogenic than second hand smoke. I think the only commandment he threatened us with was, ‘Honor thy Father and Thy Mother’ and that was the end of any possible conflict.  Even though he was dropped-kicked out of the church (can you believe they used to do that?) he never ate meat on Friday. Maybe he was afraid he’d go to hell. As a child, I promised myself that I would never develop menu monotony after I grew up but I can’t count the number of times I would be stirring spaghetti sauce and suddenly realize it was Monday…Click…

It is often said that more bad things happen on Monday than any other day of the week, heart attacks, accidents, long lines, rude clerks and memorials. Monday night football used to drive me batty…Click…

Good Grief, I forgot about decorations! So caught up in holiday shopping that I need to buy a tree and replace the ornaments that I accidently gave to Goodwill last January. …Click…

Man, this online shopping is for the birds. I can’t see that it has saved me any time at all! Sitting in front of the computer for hours and not have ANYTHING to show for it, well, sounds like a typical day for me. There isn’t enough time to get gifts shipped on time now so it looks like I will be out among the throngs again, pushed, shoved, stepped on and honked at...Click... 

Sigh, I have to admit, I do love memories made during the holiday season…Click…

Tuck ‘n Roll

What a beautiful Sunday morning. I was sitting on the porch today with Daisy, our Jack Russell mix, and Jaco our black lab/pointer mix. The sun was shining, the grass was green, the squirrels were scampering and that was part of the problem.

Daisy was lying down sunning herself on the step just below mine, which was a good thing because she’s usually on my lap.  Jaco was next to me watching the birds fly overhead. I took in a deep breath of clean air and remember thinking what a pleasant relaxing moment it was. I just love this mountain area we live in. 

Without any notice at all, Jaco bound from the top step of our porch and raced off after one of the squirrels running across the edge of our property.  Since the handle of his leash was looped around my left wrist the scenario went something like this…once he reached the length of his leash my hand whipped up in taxi hailing position. I instinctively tried to stop my forward motion with my foot on the edge of the step below but Jaco was at full speed by then and the third step was rushing toward my face. I didn’t recognize the involuntary noise that came from my lips. It was a blend of whine and squeak. I tried not to crush Daisy as I rolled across the step she was lying on. I felt my stomach lightly graze her warm body on my way down. Thankfully, Jaco stopped once he realized there was an owner down otherwise I would have been dragged through gravel and brush. It took me a few moments to assess the situation and confirm that no bones were broken but I decided it was time to go in.

My husband was still asleep when I went upstairs to tell him what happened and all I could do was laugh. I laughed so hard I couldn’t catch my breath.

“Are you going to tell me?” BJ asked.

“Yes.” Then I crawled into bed and howled with laughter again.  He started to laugh with me. It took several minutes for me to stop long enough to tell him what happened.

“Are you okay?” His serious expression made me laugh even harder.

I wish with all my heart that I had a video of my fall so I could watch it over and over. I realize now that I shouldn’t have resisted falling.  I wouldn’t have a sore foot, hand, shoulder, neck, back and knee. Ouch! 

Next time I will try to remember to tuck and roll and go with the flow but more importantly rather than continuing to take the dogs out on leash I think that electronic fence we’re saving up for is going to be installed a lot sooner than we thought.

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

I was watching a movie with my husband today when all of a sudden he paused it, looked to the left and to the right then nodded, “Motorcycle.” He resumed the movie.

I asked him to pause it again. “What do you mean, motorcycle?” 

He thumbed over his shoulder and in the next moment a motorcycle roared past our house. “See?” He said, with his ever so familiar I-told-you-so expression.

He resumed the movie and I sat there wondering why I hadn’t heard the engine coming. Is it because my hearing isn’t as good as his is or am I better at filtering out meaningless noise? Often, he tells me when my cell phone is ringing. It baffles me that he can hear it because I keep it on vibrate, it’s inside my purse and is in the next room. How could anyone possibly hear that well? Especially when music or the television is on?

You would think his hearing would be impaired from all the years he has been a musician but it certainly is not. We were recording music one evening and suddenly he stopped playing.

“What’s that noise?”

I shrugged. “I don’t hear anything.”

“It sounds like Rice Krispies in a suit case.”

After a lengthy investigation we discovered it was the sound of carbonation coming from my diet Pepsi can. It had to be removed before we could continue recording.

He tells me when the coyote’s are yelping on yonder hills at night, what type of helicopters are flying overhead and can hear the neighbor’s kid practicing his dance moves in his back bedroom. No, we don’t share any common walls.  He knows when someone pulls into our driveway and which friend it is by the idle of the engine.

He is aware of how many scoops of ice cream that plop in my bowl when I sneak to the kitchen for a snack. He can hear me take the plastic top from the peanut can no matter how quiet I try to be and why does the plastic chocolate syrup bottle have to make that rude noise when you squeeze it? It must sound like a faulty air horn to him. He hears it all. It just isn’t natural.  It feels like I’m under surveillance. 

I’ll bet the government has use for someone with his hearing abilities. I’m sure someone is conducting studies for the acoustic analysis of the sound of the flight patterns of chestnut tiger butterflies.  Just having the capacity to hear bacteria communicating and chatting it up with each other before they have the chance to infect could put us on the road to riches!

We’ve been talking about getting a dog. Great. Now I’ll have two individuals with superior audio skills who will be monitoring my activities.  I will never be outside of their awareness. Ever. I may have to invest some dollars in a white noise generator or a toy drone to act as a decoy if I want to escape their detection. But then why would I want to do that when it gives me such a wonderful feeling of being safe?