Writing on The Edge of the Bed

With prices soaring for the mere necessities, I realize there are more and more people who are turning to second jobs to make ends meet. It used to be called moonlighting, working in the evening in addition to one’s full time job, but more and more it requires more than a second job…it demands starlighting (my own word for more than two jobs).

A job for a technical writer was recently posted at one of the major starlighting agencies. Since I am a writer, I thought I would apply. I sent my resume and quickly received a reply. They requested a sample of my work in the form of bed assembly instructions. It seemed simple enough, how hard could it be?  I began to write.

Things you will need.

Old blanket (optional) Please don’t use the dog’s bed, they don’t like it and you run the risk of them swallowing essential washers.

Philips head screwdriver. (2 jiggers of Smirnoff and 6 oz. of orange juice is not a substitute but will make the project more fun)

Box spring or slatted bed base. You can usually find one of these tossed along the side of a road by people who are too lazy to dispose of them properly.

Mattress. You may see one of these on the side of the road as well but it is best to buy a new one if you want to avoid bed bugs.

Box of bed assembly tools.

1. Open the box and take out the pieces. Place them on a carpeted surface or cover a hard floor with a blanket. Carefully open the bag that contains the screws and other tools.  I say carefully because if it is anything like opening a bag of potato chips, the bag may burst apart and kablooey, pieces go everywhere. Sometimes a small screw will wiggle its way deep into the carpet. While on your knees, firmly skim the surface of the carpet with the palm of your hand in the area you believe it went.  Sometimes this takes a lot of patience. Always keep a bottle of hydrogen peroxide handy for those nasty punctures that occur when you discover the screw pointy end up.

2. Use the small wrench included. By the way, I have never found the tools described in instructions to be included. It usually requires a trip or two to the hardware store but at least you will own the tool for the next time you are assembling something where it is required.

3. Use the wrench you just spent the last hour driving to the hardware store and back to screw the double-sided metal fasteners into the second hole down on each side of the headboard. I guess the headboard is something that should have been listed in things you will need.

4. Turn the headboard and foot board so that the bottom faces up. Oops, the foot board should have been in the list as well.

5. Attach the rails to the head and foot boards. Position the rails so that the flat side is inside the bed. Slide the metal threaded fastener on the head and foot boards into the hole in the middle of the dowels on both sides of the rail.  

Now my husband is reading this over my shoulder. He says number 5 is cryptic and I should include a sketch. He is also wondering where my nipple washers are. In the beds he has assembled, nipple washers were included in the assembly pouch.

“I don’t have a pouch, I have a bag of assembly parts, and nipple washers are not required,” I replied tersely.

Now, where was I? Oh yeah.

His entire body jolted and he turned to take her in his arms. He kissed her hard and pulled her across his chest to feel her nipple washers flatten against him.

His hands trembled with anticipation as he undressed. He paid no attention to the blanket, the tools or the screws poking into his back, just the two of them and a craving neither one ever felt before.

6. Balance the thin, expandable metal rails on the two lower holes on the metal plate. Screw into place using the too tiny to hold screws included in the assembly pouch.

7. Screw a teensy weensy screw into the hole in the center of each expandable rail to hold it in place.

8. Place box springs and mattress on frame and, Voila!  Your bed is made. Now lie in it.

I just know I will get this job. It’s in the bag.