Filet O' Feet

I know it’s been around for a while but, did anyone ever think people would be using ‘Doctor Fish’ to exfoliate the disgusting crusty skin from their tired feet? I sure didn’t. Yet, in Europe and Asia, that’s exactly what they did. Of course, it didn’t take long for the procedure to become trendy in the US, so now we have people paying to dip their feet in fishbowl spas. The small Garra rufa fish begin to suck away the dead skin cells revealing the fresh new skin beneath.  Never mind that it is considered unsanitary and illegal in 10 states but you can still find salons in California that will allow you to offer your feet to the little suckers. Ew. If you try this, just make sure those aren’t piranha you’re offering your tootsies to.

Why should we stop here though? There are so many creatures that snap, squirt and absorb. Surely there are other species that might be beneficial to the all-too-consuming desire to be beautiful.  Take the sea cucumber for instance. All it would have to do is extend its stomach into a chubby buttock and begin digesting the fat. Natural liposuction! Octopus ink could substitute for hair dye and the neurotoxins produced by a starfish could be used to purge even the largest meal. What bulimic hasn’t claimed to have had food poisoning? And to think, it’s all organic. Puréed Jellyfish can make a lovely collagen for the skin and hand harvested (as opposed to other harvested) seaweed can be used to remove cellulite.

 I thought these suggestions were absurd until I did a little research.  How about a bird poop facial? Yeah, you read right. Bird poop! In Japan, they have been using this facial for centuries.  They breed and raise Nightingales on farms. They are kept on a strict diet of organic seeds. The poop is collected and sanitized with UV lights and then ground into powder.  Nightingale excrement contains a natural enzyme said to lighten, soften and leave the skin radiant.  You can pay anywhere from $150 to $450 per treatment.  Huh. It has the power to take the paint off my car so why wouldn’t it purify the epidermis?  

And what about snail slime cream? Why should we only eat snails? Yuck! Still, the slime is rich in protein, glycolic acid and elastin, the kinds of things that assist in skin regeneration.  Go ahead and laugh but people are paying good money for this stuff.  If you want a free facial, you could always collect snails out of the yard and put them on your face to leave the beneficial trails.

How about just drinking water? Studies have proven that it detoxifies and is better than any cream on the market. Too simple I guess.

My grandmother would just be rolling on the floor laughing if she were here and I do wish she was.  As for me, I’ll have my fish on a bun with a slice of cheese and lots of tartar sauce. And the only bird poop that possibly makes contact with this face will be accidental.